Day 14: Jinkies!!

It’s difficult to distinguish what’s more difficult: falling asleep in a cramped Motel 6 bed or waking up to bike sixty miles after a 100+ day. On Sunday, clearly, the latter proved to be our greatest challenge. After Saturday’s extravagant dinner at Green River’s most prestigious eatery, Burger King, our riders comfortably passed out in the freshly washed and bacteria-free linens that have become the staple of motels everywhere. Finding a love for the texture of the sandpaper bed sheeting, it was only fitting that our riders would then choose to spend an extra hour in the proverbial hay, pushing Sunday morning’s departure to a late 9:15.

Besides the sleep-in, the morning ride was somewhat uneventful. Mike, eager to make it to our unknown destination before the local bookshops closed, left about thirty minutes before the rest of the riders. Zane, Sanford, and Jason decided to ride together but, instead of drafting, chose to ride side-by-side, accomplishing nearly nothing. With Kirsten behind the wheel, Claire on her deathbed, and Shane on his drugs, the Mystery Machine took off in hot pursuit, hoping to find monsters to be unmasked.

Those who grew up with the Hanna-Barbera toons of yesteryear are apt to remember that splitting up, even in big groups, never turns out well. Attempting to catch Mike, Zane and Jason spun their wheels a la frightened Scooby and Shaggy, while Sanford, in true Velma fashion, chose to investigate the inner workings of his tires. Upon finding his glasses on the shoulder with the help of two Hells Angels, Sanford discovered the nearly-unreparable damage to his bike and let out a shriek of “Jinkies!!” to alert the rest of the group.

A leader on the road, Mike, unfortunately, does not wear an ascot nor have the keen sense of danger possessed by the flirtatious Fred. Eventually, falling victim to the same villain that felled Sanford/Velma, Mike was plagued by tire problems in the desert heat. This strange coincidence lends credence to this particular writer’s ever-present-through-childhood theory that Fred and Velma carried on an affair behind the back of the bootylicious Daphne. Regardless, Zane and Jason soon outran all the David Bowie songs ever put in an episode of Scooby Doo, forcing the Mystery Machine to come retrieve them for the night’s job. Unbeknownst to our riders, Shane, Claire, and Kirsten had set up a job for our modern Mystery Inc.ers—in the beautiful town of Moab, set between Canyonlands and Arches National Parks, lies the spooky Bowen Inn.

With some smooth talking and Daphne-esque charm, our driving team found us a home to stay at in exchange for a promise to rid the motel of its paranormal activity. Ahead of schedule by a full day, the meddling kids known as the FACE AIDS team will hopefully solve this mystery in between skydiving, ATVing, and touring the beautiful landscape by Tuesday night, when they are due in Grand Junction, CO. We can only hope that they will be successful and this quaint town of 4000 can grow back to its once bustling 4321.