Who Isn't Ready for Some Football?

Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers throws a pass against Kansas City in a preseason game on Sept. 1.

To understand the comical mind lock football has upon this country, look no further than the brief freakout that occurred when President Obama rescheduled his critical jobs speech to Congress for Thursday—the same night as the NFL season opener. Sure, the American economy is dragging; unemployment hovers at 9.1%; consumer confidence is crumpled. But whoa, whoa, whoa —don't get in the way of the Packers, Mr. President!

Calm down, the White House assured, the president will finish his address in time for a frazzled nation to watch Green Bay host the New Orleans Saints upon lush, unfrozen Lambeau tundra. Perhaps Obama will be generous enough to break down the Saints pass defense as well. Better still: a referee should run down the aisle, blow a whistle, and give a two minute warning, whereupon the President will fix a sober gaze at the camera and say, "Are you ready for some…"

Football feels unstoppable. A four-month-plus work stoppage, an embarrassing Mad Max preseason fiasco in San Francisco with two shootings in the parking lot —nothing can derail commissioner Roger Goodell's ratings-hogging crazy train. If anything, the lockout layoff appears to have goosed the mania, with football fans carbo-binging on the sport like failed Atkins dieters.

After Thursday's premiere, the NFL won't rest until Super Bowl XLVI on February 5 in Indianapolis, which hopefully will be balmier than last winter's seating-optional Ice Derby in Dallas. But at the moment, there's a sunny, optimistic glow—every franchise is 0-0, except for the Washington Redskins, who are contractually obligated to begin 2-4 and infuriate D.C.

Surely you have questions, fellow hopeless football addicts.

Can the Packers repeat?

Um, maybe? How's that for can't miss analysis? Green Bay had a bumpy 2010 regular season, but buzzsawed through the playoffs, stopped Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl, and looked like it wanted to play in the parking lot through May. The Packers prevailed despite a flood of injuries and not playing a single postseason game at home. They were quiet in the offseason, but return key players lost to injuries last season (like tight end Jermichael Finley) to supplement XLV MVP Aaron Rodgers. Last year the Packers were the momentum team that clicked at right moment. But defending champs don't sneak up on anyone.

Aren't the Eagles supposed to win the Super Bowl, Best Picture, the National Book Award and a Nobel Prize?

Still light-headed on the vapors of Michael Vick's electric 2010 comeback, and emboldened by the off-season signings of stars like cornerback Nmandi Asomugha, the Iggles have been portrayed as destiny's darling. The groan-provoking term "Dream Team" was uttered a few weeks ago, but quickly snuffed out—nobody in Philly wants a Miami Heat scent on a franchise that has yet to win a Super Bowl. The Eagles may not be title ready—they were dismissed by the Packers in the postseason last year —but the dynamic Vick makes them the NFL's must-see carnival.

How annoying are the Patriots going to be?

At times it does seem like august New England was put on this earth to irk everyone who isn't from New England. The Patriots are driven and gifted, and have good teeth. In the offseason, they added complicated veterans—aggrieved defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth; attention-craving receiver Chad Ochocinco; versatile actor Steve Buscemi. New England did go 14-2 last season, but got slapped by the Jets in the playoffs, and a preseason smackdown by Detroit unnerved the loyalists. These Pats remain pretty, but the league isn't as besotted.

Detroit is a playoff team. Wait, what?

Let's admit that most humans only watch the Lions play once a year—on Thanksgiving, under a tryptophan spell, so desperate to avoid speaking to in-lawns they don't mind three hours of disoriented football from MIchigan. But the Lions has been incrementally improving, and have a double-digit sack machine in Ndamukong Suh. Quarterback Matthew Stafford is healthy, and Detroit—which finished with a four-game winning streak in 2010—has designs on its first postseason since 1999. Lions football without scary cranberry jelly from a can? Delicious.

What's up with the kickoff thing?

When they result in long touchdown sprints, kickoffs are gushed over as "the most exciting play in football," but they're also high-speed collision fests that result in a disproportionate number of injuries. The league is sensitive to that, and so will now start kickoffs from the 35, reducing returns and increasing touchbacks (But kickoffs started at the 40 until 1973, and at the 35 until 1994, so don't complain the NFL has suddenly gone soft, Captain Smashmouth).

Give me a rookie to watch.

Let's be obvious and say Atlanta's Julio Jones, the sixth-pick wide receiver from Alabama who astonished scouts at the NFL combine by "jumping out of the gym," a phrase that middle aged guys in suits like to say to sound hip on TV. Jones gives Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan a dynamic new option, and let's not forget Atlanta was 13-3 a season ago before flunking the playoffs.

Who should I pick up for my fantasy team?

Novak Djokovic, the guy looks ridiculous right now.

What's your Super Bowl pick?

Let's go full milquetoast and say Patriots over Pittsburgh in the AFC Championship, then a little less milquetoast in the NFC with Green Bay stopping back-from-the-crypt Dallas—Yes! Jerry Jones scripts a Texas-sized comeback saga!—with the Pack foiling Belichick to win their second consecutive Super Bowl indoors in a climate-controlled garage.