Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the official Cheese List Fall Movie Preview. Over the next several hundred words, I plan on giving you a rundown of the movies hitting theaters this fall most likely to end up on The Cheese List one day.
Not anytime soon though, because there’s almost nothing on this list I plan on seeing in theaters.
More power to you if you find yourself in a darkened theater over the next couple of weeks being subjected to any of these. I’m not guaranteeing they’ll all be awful, maybe some of them might even be pretty good. All I’m saying is that at first glance, these movies don’t look pretty.
And here we go…
September
Shark Night 3-D (September 2)
A relaxing vacation takes a turn for the worst for a bunch of sexy umm… “teens” when a pod of angry sharks show up and crash the party. Currently sitting at a decidedly unhealthy 13% on Rottentomatoes.com, 4.6 out of 10 on Imdb.com and 22 out of 100 on Metacritic.com.
Inside Out (September 9)
WWE superstar Triple H is good at a lot of things. He’s a fantastic wrestler, and he works the crowd better than nearly anyone currently on Vince McMahon’s payroll. But few wrestlers have been able to make the jump to the big screen. In “Inside Out,” HHH plays a mobster looking to leave his violent past in the rearview. Take a guess whether or not he’s successful. Rated 25% on Rottentomatoes.com, 4.7 out of 10 on Imdb.com and 28 out of 100 on Metacritic.com.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (September 9)
Basically, Adam Sandler gives a bunch of his dumb pals money to make another crappy R-rated comedy that god-willing no one will see. Directed by Tom Brady. No, sadly it’s not THAT Tom Brady. Rated a remarkable 0% on Rottentomatoes.com, 2.4 out of 10 on Imdb.com and 11 out of 100 on Metacritic.com
I Don’t Know How She Does It (September 16)
Sarah Jessica Parker juggles home, work and kids in this alleged comedy. Parker is fresh off a pair of Razzie wins for Worst Actress and Worst On-Screen Couple, so let’s see if she can continue her hot streak.
The Human Centipede 2 (October 7)
A madman does horrible, vile, unspeakable things to even more people in this torture porn sequel which is somehow going to slither its way into theaters. I like a good gory horror movie as much as the next guy, but I have zero interest in whatever perverted mess writer/director Tom Six has in store for audiences this time. Fun fact: It's been banned in Britain since early June, 5 months before its release date. Gotta be a record.
Watch this instead
Real Steel (October 7)
Hugh Jackman stars in "Rocky" meets "Battlebots." I'm torn on this movie. On one hand, the Richard Matheson story it's based on ("Steel") is fantastic. On the other hand, there have been very few, if any, good film adaptations of Matheson stories. Also, the movie seems to have retained very little of the original story. And yet, Hugh Jackman is the man and I want to like this movie. Still, with its over-the-top effects and premise, it has the potential to be one of the most unintentionally funny movies of the year.
Footloose (October 14)
Hugh Jackman stars in "Rocky" meets "Battlebots." I'm torn on this movie. On one hand, the Richard Matheson story it's based on ("Steel") is fantastic. On the other hand, there have been very few, if any, good film adaptations of Matheson stories. Also, the movie seems to have retained very little of the original story. And yet, Hugh Jackman is the man and I want to like this movie. Still, with its over-the-top effects and premise, it has the potential to be one of the most unintentionally funny movies of the year.
Footloose (October 14)
October is the month of horror movies, and I can think of nothing scarier than being trapped in a theater showing this wholly unnecessary remake. I don’t care for musicals or movies where people dance. Although, I love me some Julianne Hough, there’s no replacing Kevin Bacon.
Three Musketeers 3-D (October 21)
From acclaimed filmmaker Paul Anderson comes the classic tale… oh wait. Sorry. Wrong Paul Anderson. Watch as Paul W.S. Anderson, creator of the “Resident Evil” film series, butchers a literary classic. Oh yeah, and it’s in 3-D so you KNOW it’ll be good… and expensive.
Anonymous (October 28)
This film asks the question: Who wrote the collected works of William Shakespeare? And it’s not a trick question like who’s buried in Grant’s tomb, either. “Anonymous” was directed by Roland Emmerich, whose credits include “Independence Day,” “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Godzilla.” As you can tell, a movie about sitting and writing plays is clearly right up his alley. You ain’t seen the Montagues and the Capulets go at like this before! Verona is gonna to get blowed up! Extreme!!
November
Immortals (November 11)
Apparently, we’re not tired of watching Ancient Greeks duke it out in super slow motion. Or more likely: We are, but as per the usual, Hollywood is half a decade behind the times.
11-11-11 (Guess when this movie comes out? No go ahead guess!)
It’s “The Number 23,” only with the number 11, instead.
Jack and Jill (November 11, gonna be a rough day, huh?)
An average Joe, played by Adam Sandler, is forced to deal with the houseguest from hell--- his twin sister who is also played by Adam Sandler. In case you’re keeping score at home, Sandler’s career has now blasted its way past rock bottom and into Eddie Murphy territory.
Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 (November 18)
The “Twilight Saga” has been nominated for 13 Golden Raspberry Awards celebrating its awfulness so far, and the two-part, money-grubbing finale seems destined to add to that total.
Piranha 3DD (November 23) The Cheese List Top Pick
From the writers of “The Collector” and the director of “Feast,” this movie could be awful. Although, the “Piranha” remake defied expectations and logic and was actually pretty entertaining. So perhaps all hope isn’t lost for the sequel despite the ludicrous title. Even better: Gary Busey is in and perennial wet blanket Steven R. McQueen is OUT! Maybe it’ll swing awful…ly good. This seems like a match made in heaven… or hell… for The Cheese List. Either way, I'll be there reporting from the frontlines. (No trailer yet... sad)
December
New Year’s Eve (December 9)
A hodge podge of attractive celebrities with some free time on their hands show up and celebrate a new year. If it’s half as bad as “Valentine’s Day,” this could really be something special.
Alvin and The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked (December 16)
The Chipmunks and their gal pals end up stranded on a tropical island paradise that may not be deserted after all. Dun dun duuuuunnnnnn. I’m done with these chipmunks, where’s the Chip and Dale movie already?
Bumblebee tuna.
