The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

Credentials: 49% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 6.5 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 52 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: A family of flag-wavin’, god-fearin’ Americans head into the desert looking for a shortcut on their way to California. Our heroes quickly stumble upon a group of irradiated, pissed off cannibal types who don’t take kindly to outsiders. The next 80 minutes or so are dedicated to insane levels of gore, perverse violence and yes even multiple rapes. Hell, if you’re not choking back vomit by the time the opening credits are over, director Alexandre Aja will return your money and make you dinner. It looks like my 8^th grade teacher was right when she said: “All of life’s shortcuts are patrolled by blood-thirsty mutants.”

Thoughts: Aside from a lot of atom bomb talk, “The Hills Have Eyes” sticks pretty close to its source material, Wes Craven’s 1977 cult classic and that, boys and girls, was its first mistake. Craven’s original wasn’t any good and--- despite the best efforts of the cast--- neither is the remake.

                At the risk of making myself very unpopular with the horror community, allow to make this shocking declaration: Wes Craven is sorta overrated. Sure, the man helped create two of the most iconic movie monsters of all time (Freddy Krueger and Ghostface), but the one thing he never really did was produce a movie with three solid acts. His films tended to bog down near the end with either a lot of mindless talking (“Scream”) or silly booby traps (“Nightmare on Elm Street,” “The Hills Have Eyes,” “Last House on the Left”)

                So, I was on board when I heard “Hills Have Eyes” was getting a facelift. And then I actually saw the thing.

                “The Hills Have Eyes” is one of the more joyless, disgusting and depraved movies ever committed to film. And despite what BloodyDisgusting.com may say about the matter, it most certainly IS torture porn.

                Aja’s camera lingers just a little too long on the charred corpses, the deformed mutants and the countless impalings for it to be considered anything else.

                The movie gets off to a pretty good start. The doomed family is actually, shockingly, well-written. They’re not quite real people, but they’re far from hollow vessels with the word “victim” stamped on their foreheads.

                However, at a certain point everyone starts losing their minds. People go off wandering alone into the desert; guns are fired wildly at the wind. One brilliant character decides his wooden baseball bat is a more formidable weapon than a pickax. Are you kidding me!?!?!

                On the acting side of things, the wonderful Ted Levine classes up the joint as the ex-cop patriarch of the family. As always, the man with the golden vocal cords is fantastic. The rest of the cast is mostly solid, except when the screenplay by Aja and Gregory Levasseur forces them to make nonsense decisions.

                Now to the violence. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m no prude when it comes to gory horror movies. I think blood and guts have their place right alongside suspense and tension as staples of the genre. But even I have my limits and there are some things in “Hills Have Eyes” I really don’t want to watch.

Extremely creepy and vicious sex stuff aside (and that’s a hell of an aside), the gore is enough to make even the most ardent gorehound a wee bit uncomfortable. I don’t need to see a guy being burned alive… for a solid five minutes. But Aja’s not a monster. He intercuts the burning with a rape scene. You know, to break things up a little.

                Worst of all: Aja breaks my only unforgivable horror rule--- he messes with animals. Never, EVER allowed.

                The violence is so hard to sit through, that a movie like “The Hills Have Eyes” NEEDS to have a major visceral payoff to send audiences home happy. (Look no further than reigning torture porn king Eli Roth’s “Hostel” for a how-to guide.) There’s a primitive part of the human brain that still delights in seeing evil punished harshly.

                And we almost get it. Several villainous characters are fed their just desserts at the hands of our surviving heroes. But Aja can’t resist the temptation to pull the carpet out from under his audience one last time so he concludes his movie with a shot that makes the payoff seem all for naught.

 Video Evidence

There's nothing in this movie I want to subject you to, dear reader. Enjoy the trailer and steer clear.

                And so there you have it: “The Hills Have Eyes (2006).” There's a lot of good things going on here from a technical standpoint, but they end up getting drowned by a faulty vision.

                Bumblebee tuna.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

Credentials: 49% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com) / 6.5 out of 10 (Imdb.com) / 52 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: A family of flag-wavin’, god-fearin’ Americans head into the desert looking for a shortcut on their way to California. Our heroes quickly stumble upon a group of irradiated, pissed off cannibal types who don’t take kindly to outsiders. The next 80 minutes or so are dedicated to insane levels of gore, perverse violence and yes even multiple rapes. Hell, if you’re not choking back vomit by the time the opening credits are over, director Alexandre Aja will return your money and make you dinner. It looks like my 8^th grade teacher was right when she said: “All of life’s shortcuts are patrolled by blood-thirsty mutants.”

Thoughts: Aside from a lot of atom bomb talk, “The Hills Have Eyes” sticks pretty close to its source material, Wes Craven’s 1977 cult classic and that, boys and girls, was its first mistake. Craven’s original wasn’t any good and--- despite the best efforts of the cast--- neither is the remake.

                At the risk of making myself very unpopular with the horror community, allow to make this shocking declaration: Wes Craven is sorta overrated. Sure, the man helped create two of the most iconic movie monsters of all time (Freddy Krueger and Ghostface), but the one thing he never really did was produce a movie with three solid acts. His films tended to bog down near the end with either a lot of mindless talking (“Scream”) or silly booby traps (“Nightmare on Elm Street,” “The Hills Have Eyes,” “Last House on the Left”)

                So, I was on board when I heard “Hills Have Eyes” was getting a facelift. And then I actually saw the thing.

                “The Hills Have Eyes” is one of the more joyless, disgusting and depraved movies ever committed to film. And despite what BloodyDisgusting.com may say about the matter, it most certainly IS torture porn.

                Aja’s camera lingers just a little too long on the charred corpses, the deformed mutants and the countless impalings for it to be considered anything else.

                The movie gets off to a pretty good start. The doomed family is actually, shockingly, well-written. They’re not quite real people, but they’re far from hollow vessels with the word “victim” stamped on their foreheads.

                However, at a certain point everyone starts losing their minds. People go off wandering alone into the desert; guns are fired wildly at the wind. One brilliant character decides his wooden baseball bat is a more formidable weapon than a pickax. Are you kidding me!?!?!

                On the acting side of things, the wonderful Ted Levine classes up the joint as the ex-cop patriarch of the family. As always, the man with the golden vocal cords is fantastic. The rest of the cast is mostly solid, except when the screenplay by Aja and Gregory Levasseur forces them to make nonsense decisions.

                Now to the violence. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m no prude when it comes to gory horror movies. I think blood and guts have their place right alongside suspense and tension as staples of the genre. But even I have my limits and there are some things in “Hills Have Eyes” I really don’t want to watch.

Extremely creepy and vicious sex stuff aside (and that’s a hell of an aside), the gore is enough to make even the most ardent gorehound a wee bit uncomfortable. I don’t need to see a guy being burned alive… for a solid five minutes. But Aja’s not a monster. He intercuts the burning with a rape scene. You know, to break things up a little.

                Worst of all: Aja breaks my only unforgivable horror rule--- he messes with animals. Never, EVER allowed.

                The violence is so hard to sit through, that a movie like “The Hills Have Eyes” NEEDS to have a major visceral payoff to send audiences home happy. (Look no further than reigning torture porn king Eli Roth’s “Hostel” for a how-to guide.) There’s a primitive part of the human brain that still delights in seeing evil punished harshly.

                And we almost get it. Several villainous characters are fed their just desserts at the hands of our surviving heroes. But Aja can’t resist the temptation to pull the carpet out from under his audience one last time so he concludes his movie with a shot that makes the payoff seem all for naught.

 Video Evidence

There's nothing in this movie I want to subject you to, dear reader. Enjoy the trailer and steer clear.

                And so there you have it: “The Hills Have Eyes (2006).” There's a lot of good things going on here from a technical standpoint, but they end up getting drowned by a faulty vision.

                Bumblebee tuna.

Halloween II (2009)

Credentials: 21% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/4.8 out of 10 (imdb.com)/46 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot: After surviving her run in with seasonal serial killer Michael Myers (Tyler Mane), Laurie Stroud (Scout Taylor-Compton) has turned into a beer swillin’, cussin’, Charlie Manson lovin’ Dave Pirner (of Soul Asylum fame) impersonator. Meanwhile, the formerly awesome Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) has been replaced by a preening peacock who only cares about shilling his tell-all book. Myers spends about ¾ of the movie aimlessly wandering around in fields, occasionally killing random, badly stereotyped side characters at the behest of his deceased mother and her white horse. True story. When Halloween rolls around, Mikey heads back home to finish the job he started in the god-awful first film! Who will survive? What will be left of them? More importantly, will anyone care?

Thoughts  

                Writer/director Rob Zombie’s sequel to his remake, “Halloween II” is loud, in-your-face and just about any other adjective you’d hear used in an energy drink commercial. One thing it’s sorely lacking is substance, which brings us nicely to the movie’s biggest problem: Zombie’s script.

                His characters are so paper thin that in the right light you can almost see through them. With the exception of one: Annie Brackett (the lovely Danielle Harris). Like Laurie, Annie survived the first movie, but unlike Laurie, Annie’s scars are purely physical. Annie comes across as wonderfully endearing while playing mother hen to her Sheriff father (Brad Dourif) and her batshit crazy friend Laurie.

Zombie must have detected Harris was classing up his movie too much, so she gets left to toil in the background, while Laurie picks up two new squealing, vacuous vessels to be her best friends.

So back to that stupid horse. It’s part of some dime-store psychobabble nonsense about dreams and energies. It sounds all well and good on paper, but in practice it looks silly. It’s just Zombie’s wife Sherri in Alice Cooper eye makeup toting around a massive horse.   

Somewhere, in his heart of hearts, Zombie knows he’s got no story here. He covers it up by tasking Michael with viciously killing as many people as possible. He throws a literal metric ton of blood, gore and boobs into the mix. Basically, he sides with cheap shock value over building suspense and eliciting genuine fear.

Even worse, the movie opens with a near 20-minute long dream sequence! Unless your movie is called “Inception,” it shouldn’t have a dream sequence that long.

Outside of Harris, the rest of the cast stinks. Dourif is fine, but his range is clearly limited. His big emotional breakdown in the movie isn’t exactly convincing.

Compton’s the least likeable scream queen of all time. I’m not sure how much of it is her fault, though. The script’s a disaster. I suspect she’s certainly an accomplice. Girl makes some annoying noises when she’s running. I wonder what these movies would have been like if Harris had been cast as Laurie? (Answer: Better.)

I could go on like this, but I won’t for your sake, dear reader. I would say readers, plural, but I doubt that’s accurate. If for some reason you want more of my thoughts on “Halloween II,” check out the review I wrote a little while back for WCU’s student newspaper: The Quad.

Let me close with this thought. The problem with all of Rob Zombie’s movies after his first (“House of 1000 Corpses”) is they lack the campy sense of humor his debut wielded so expertly. He’s tried too hard to be serious and brooding. That’s not you Rob. Leave that stiff, humorless crap for Alexander Aja (“Piranha 3-D” not included). Now, get out there, let your hair down and have some fun. Bring back Capt. Spalding!

Breakdown

:07

The cow on the right was actually lucky. At least it didn't have to watch the rest of the movie.

:11



Trust me, it doesn't make any more sense in context.



:25-

Ladies and gentlemen Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner!



And here's Scout Taylor... wait a minute.



 :42-

I'd describe Brad Dourif's look in "Halloween II" as hillbilly colonial. The moustache let's you know he's brewin' up moonshine in his basement, but the powdered wig hair just screams the red coats are coming.


1:38-


When you lose your car keys, you flip over the seat cushions. When Michael Myers loses his car keys...



And now for a look inside the home of a respected public official! (As invisioned by Robert Zombie)

     So there it is, "Halloween II." And because I'm one of the more pretentious horror movie fans you'll ever encounter, check back shortly for some more thoughts on and pictures from "Halloween II."

     Bumblebee tuna. 

Halloween II (2009)

Credentials: 21% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/4.8 out of 10 (imdb.com)/46 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot: After surviving her run in with seasonal serial killer Michael Myers (Tyler Mane), Laurie Stroud (Scout Taylor-Compton) has turned into a beer swillin’, cussin’, Charlie Manson lovin’ Dave Pirner (of Soul Asylum fame) impersonator. Meanwhile, the formerly awesome Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) has been replaced by a preening peacock who only cares about shilling his tell-all book. Myers spends about ¾ of the movie aimlessly wandering around in fields, occasionally killing random, badly stereotyped side characters at the behest of his deceased mother and her white horse. True story. When Halloween rolls around, Mikey heads back home to finish the job he started in the god-awful first film! Who will survive? What will be left of them? More importantly, will anyone care?

Thoughts  

                Writer/director Rob Zombie’s sequel to his remake, “Halloween II” is loud, in-your-face and just about any other adjective you’d hear used in an energy drink commercial. One thing it’s sorely lacking is substance, which brings us nicely to the movie’s biggest problem: Zombie’s script.

                His characters are so paper thin that in the right light you can almost see through them. With the exception of one: Annie Brackett (the lovely Danielle Harris). Like Laurie, Annie survived the first movie, but unlike Laurie, Annie’s scars are purely physical. Annie comes across as wonderfully endearing while playing mother hen to her Sheriff father (Brad Dourif) and her batshit crazy friend Laurie.

Zombie must have detected Harris was classing up his movie too much, so she gets left to toil in the background, while Laurie picks up two new squealing, vacuous vessels to be her best friends.

So back to that stupid horse. It’s part of some dime-store psychobabble nonsense about dreams and energies. It sounds all well and good on paper, but in practice it looks silly. It’s just Zombie’s wife Sherri in Alice Cooper eye makeup toting around a massive horse.   

Somewhere, in his heart of hearts, Zombie knows he’s got no story here. He covers it up by tasking Michael with viciously killing as many people as possible. He throws a literal metric ton of blood, gore and boobs into the mix. Basically, he sides with cheap shock value over building suspense and eliciting genuine fear.

Even worse, the movie opens with a near 20-minute long dream sequence! Unless your movie is called “Inception,” it shouldn’t have a dream sequence that long.

Outside of Harris, the rest of the cast stinks. Dourif is fine, but his range is clearly limited. His big emotional breakdown in the movie isn’t exactly convincing.

Compton’s the least likeable scream queen of all time. I’m not sure how much of it is her fault, though. The script’s a disaster. I suspect she’s certainly an accomplice. Girl makes some annoying noises when she’s running. I wonder what these movies would have been like if Harris had been cast as Laurie? (Answer: Better.)

I could go on like this, but I won’t for your sake, dear reader. I would say readers, plural, but I doubt that’s accurate. If for some reason you want more of my thoughts on “Halloween II,” check out the review I wrote a little while back for WCU’s student newspaper: The Quad.

Let me close with this thought. The problem with all of Rob Zombie’s movies after his first (“House of 1000 Corpses”) is they lack the campy sense of humor his debut wielded so expertly. He’s tried too hard to be serious and brooding. That’s not you Rob. Leave that stiff, humorless crap for Alexander Aja (“Piranha 3-D” not included). Now, get out there, let your hair down and have some fun. Bring back Capt. Spalding!

Breakdown

:07

The cow on the right was actually lucky. At least it didn't have to watch the rest of the movie.

:11



Trust me, it doesn't make any more sense in context.



:25-

Ladies and gentlemen Soul Asylum's Dave Pirner!



And here's Scout Taylor... wait a minute.



 :42-

I'd describe Brad Dourif's look in "Halloween II" as hillbilly colonial. The moustache let's you know he's brewin' up moonshine in his basement, but the powdered wig hair just screams the red coats are coming.


1:38-


When you lose your car keys, you flip over the seat cushions. When Michael Myers loses his car keys...



And now for a look inside the home of a respected public official! (As invisioned by Robert Zombie)

     So there it is, "Halloween II." And because I'm one of the more pretentious horror movie fans you'll ever encounter, check back shortly for some more thoughts on and pictures from "Halloween II."

     Bumblebee tuna. 

Halloween (2007)

Credentials

25% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 6.0 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 47 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot

                A hulking behemoth of a serial killer walks out of a mental institution in search of his baby sister. You can’t really say he broke out, because that would imply there was some difficulty involved.  He tracks her down with startling, inexplicable ease and proceeds to kill off a bunch of her friends because… well the reasons aren’t really important or given. At some point the infamous “Halloween” theme plays and all of Rob Zombie’s pals get to add another movie to their IMDB pages.

Thoughts

                I don’t hate Rob Zombie, I just hate what he did to Michael Myers. And the middle hour or so of “The Devil’s Rejects,” but other than all that me and him are cool.  

               Now I’m not going to just compare Zombie’s film to John Carpenter’s because Zombie’s film does a fine job of sucking in its own right, but I will say this. In Carpenter’s version, Michael Myers was a normal kid, with normal parents and a normal suburban life who (spoiler alert to all my readers out there in 1979) one night stabs his sister to death for no reason. No motive, no nothing. That is scary. The idea that anyone, at any time could just snap.        

                Not content to just rely on nature, Zombie turns to nurture for his film. His version of Myers grows up in a bitter and ugly white trash household. Still suburban though for some reason. Didn’t know you could afford a house in the ‘burbs on a stripper’s salary. Noted. Anyway, by the time Zombie’s done detailing Myers horrible, twisted upbringing, it’s pretty easy to understand why Myers became a serial killer. It would have been crazy if he didn’t after all that. And as that element of the unknown goes so goes what made Michael Myers so scary to begin with: the mystery.

                “Halloween (2007)” is a stark tribute to the death of subtlety. The near heart-stopping tension of the original is replaced with ample gore, violence and nudity. And his three leading teenagers are all so painfully loud and annoying that it makes me wonder if there is any hope for our society. Are these kids really our future or is Zombie nuts? I pray for the later or else China, come on down. The world is yours.

                As for the movie’s script, well it is a total disaster. First off, it feels like two smaller movies, ham handedly switching from the story of young Michael in the first half to Laurie Strode in the second half. Then there are the plot holes, which are more like craters. How does Michael know who Laurie is? Say what you will about brotherly love, but I start to forget what my sister looks like if I don’t see her every 15 minutes. Yet Michael knows exactly who his sister is after 15 YEARS and she was only a baby when he last saw her! And by the way, how does he know she’s still living in Haddonfield? I could go on like this as logic has no place in Zombie’s world.

                Even better, you’ll likely need a GPS or at the very least a compass and some knowledge of astral navigation just to keep track of where you and the characters are in the movie. People will just show up places without any rhyme or reason as to how they got there or just where there is anyway. The movie is populated with dimly lit, poorly explained locations. Zombie either skipped the film school lesson on establishing shots or his movie is just too dark for them to be of any use.

                The acting is across the board weak. All of Zombie’s usual cohorts turn in rather blah, shoe-horned-in performances. The usually wonderful Brad Dourif is given nothing to do with his role as Sheriff Bracket. The less said about the teens the better. Malcolm McDowell’s Dr. Loomis, while far from the movie’s biggest problem, will make you pine, literally pine for Donald Pleasance. Daeg Faerch, as little Michael Myers is not terrible, which is a huge compliment considering what he has to work with.

                Breakdown

                :01-



Are you allowed to start a movie with a quote from a fictional character?


                :04-



Behold! The origins of... shit pants. Also, this school's bully looks about as intimidating as Corey Matthews



                :07- What do you mean big deal!?! Your son kept a dead cat in his locker! That’s not normal behavior!

                :13- Boy, if Rob Zombie could just make one movie where his wife keeps her clothes on… just one. Must be awkward on the set. “Hey camera guy, make sure you get a good shot of my wife’s boobs. Don’t be afraid to get right up in there…”

              :17-

How drunk do you have to be to not notice this happening?



                :33- Little Michael needs to eat? Look lady, he’s got Alec Baldwin’s head so he’s not exactly wasting away…

                :35- Yeah that makes sense. Give the child serial killer a real knife and fork to eat with. Nothing could possibly go wr… oh. Ooops.



Umm... there's... uh... someone behind you...



Celebrity sighting! Cousin It from TV's "The Addams Family!"



                :50- Why does Michael kill the guy for those overalls? Are insane sociopaths really fashion conscious?

                :52-

Yeah... don't ask.



                1:10-

Hey, hey! Look who it is! He must have taken the last train to Haddonfield. Well that cheers up this... sleepy Jean



                1:14- Tommy Doyle is the only part of “Halloween” that Zombie doesn’t make worse. Lindsey is still annoying though

                1:15-



How the heck does he sneak up on anyone? He's as big as an elephant and as quiet as a sleeping mouse.



                1:18- “Go worship your god?” The TV? Really? Some social commentary from Zombie…

                1:22- Is Michael’s plan to kill every teenage girl in town just to make sure his sister is, in fact, dead?

                1:40- Never mind how Loomis seemed to know exactly where to look to find Laurie, how did he get there? Wasn’t he carpooling with the cop?

                1:47-



Hiding in the walls? That's a paddlin'



                1:52-

Well there's your problem!



                And so there it is, Rob Zombie’s ugly mess of a remake, “Halloween.”

                Yeah, now that's how it's done! Bumblebee tuna.

Halloween (2007)

Credentials

25% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/ 6.0 out of 10 (imdb.com)/ 47 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot

                A hulking behemoth of a serial killer walks out of a mental institution in search of his baby sister. You can’t really say he broke out, because that would imply there was some difficulty involved.  He tracks her down with startling, inexplicable ease and proceeds to kill off a bunch of her friends because… well the reasons aren’t really important or given. At some point the infamous “Halloween” theme plays and all of Rob Zombie’s pals get to add another movie to their IMDB pages.

Thoughts

                I don’t hate Rob Zombie, I just hate what he did to Michael Myers. And the middle hour or so of “The Devil’s Rejects,” but other than all that me and him are cool.  

               Now I’m not going to just compare Zombie’s film to John Carpenter’s because Zombie’s film does a fine job of sucking in its own right, but I will say this. In Carpenter’s version, Michael Myers was a normal kid, with normal parents and a normal suburban life who (spoiler alert to all my readers out there in 1979) one night stabs his sister to death for no reason. No motive, no nothing. That is scary. The idea that anyone, at any time could just snap.        

                Not content to just rely on nature, Zombie turns to nurture for his film. His version of Myers grows up in a bitter and ugly white trash household. Still suburban though for some reason. Didn’t know you could afford a house in the ‘burbs on a stripper’s salary. Noted. Anyway, by the time Zombie’s done detailing Myers horrible, twisted upbringing, it’s pretty easy to understand why Myers became a serial killer. It would have been crazy if he didn’t after all that. And as that element of the unknown goes so goes what made Michael Myers so scary to begin with: the mystery.

                “Halloween (2007)” is a stark tribute to the death of subtlety. The near heart-stopping tension of the original is replaced with ample gore, violence and nudity. And his three leading teenagers are all so painfully loud and annoying that it makes me wonder if there is any hope for our society. Are these kids really our future or is Zombie nuts? I pray for the later or else China, come on down. The world is yours.

                As for the movie’s script, well it is a total disaster. First off, it feels like two smaller movies, ham handedly switching from the story of young Michael in the first half to Laurie Strode in the second half. Then there are the plot holes, which are more like craters. How does Michael know who Laurie is? Say what you will about brotherly love, but I start to forget what my sister looks like if I don’t see her every 15 minutes. Yet Michael knows exactly who his sister is after 15 YEARS and she was only a baby when he last saw her! And by the way, how does he know she’s still living in Haddonfield? I could go on like this as logic has no place in Zombie’s world.

                Even better, you’ll likely need a GPS or at the very least a compass and some knowledge of astral navigation just to keep track of where you and the characters are in the movie. People will just show up places without any rhyme or reason as to how they got there or just where there is anyway. The movie is populated with dimly lit, poorly explained locations. Zombie either skipped the film school lesson on establishing shots or his movie is just too dark for them to be of any use.

                The acting is across the board weak. All of Zombie’s usual cohorts turn in rather blah, shoe-horned-in performances. The usually wonderful Brad Dourif is given nothing to do with his role as Sheriff Bracket. The less said about the teens the better. Malcolm McDowell’s Dr. Loomis, while far from the movie’s biggest problem, will make you pine, literally pine for Donald Pleasance. Daeg Faerch, as little Michael Myers is not terrible, which is a huge compliment considering what he has to work with.

                Breakdown

                :01-



Are you allowed to start a movie with a quote from a fictional character?


                :04-



Behold! The origins of... shit pants. Also, this school's bully looks about as intimidating as Corey Matthews



                :07- What do you mean big deal!?! Your son kept a dead cat in his locker! That’s not normal behavior!

                :13- Boy, if Rob Zombie could just make one movie where his wife keeps her clothes on… just one. Must be awkward on the set. “Hey camera guy, make sure you get a good shot of my wife’s boobs. Don’t be afraid to get right up in there…”

              :17-

How drunk do you have to be to not notice this happening?



                :33- Little Michael needs to eat? Look lady, he’s got Alec Baldwin’s head so he’s not exactly wasting away…

                :35- Yeah that makes sense. Give the child serial killer a real knife and fork to eat with. Nothing could possibly go wr… oh. Ooops.



Umm... there's... uh... someone behind you...



Celebrity sighting! Cousin It from TV's "The Addams Family!"



                :50- Why does Michael kill the guy for those overalls? Are insane sociopaths really fashion conscious?

                :52-

Yeah... don't ask.



                1:10-

Hey, hey! Look who it is! He must have taken the last train to Haddonfield. Well that cheers up this... sleepy Jean



                1:14- Tommy Doyle is the only part of “Halloween” that Zombie doesn’t make worse. Lindsey is still annoying though

                1:15-



How the heck does he sneak up on anyone? He's as big as an elephant and as quiet as a sleeping mouse.



                1:18- “Go worship your god?” The TV? Really? Some social commentary from Zombie…

                1:22- Is Michael’s plan to kill every teenage girl in town just to make sure his sister is, in fact, dead?

                1:40- Never mind how Loomis seemed to know exactly where to look to find Laurie, how did he get there? Wasn’t he carpooling with the cop?

                1:47-



Hiding in the walls? That's a paddlin'



                1:52-

Well there's your problem!



                And so there it is, Rob Zombie’s ugly mess of a remake, “Halloween.”

                Yeah, now that's how it's done! Bumblebee tuna.