the mis-information age (the visitor part 10) (enemy! part 5) (taniwha part 0)

day 9 of my cousin larry's unannounced and unplanned for visit . the longer it goes on, the more my life in dunedin ceases to be what it had been before larry's popping in.

man it's making me yearn for the good "old" days, and by old i mean ancient, of 65 million years ago larry is always going on about...

sure i'd have been part of a competitive and aggressive pack of my own kind. sure i'd have stood no chance in such a setting due to my size and lack of development. sure i'd never known the joys of friendship, civilization, puters, fountains, or the dictionary, but at least i wouldn't have to watch the deconstruction of everything i'd built in the civilized world...

today started off innocent enough... well at least as innocent as it can when you have a fully grown bull tyrannosaurus rex crashing at your place (even if it is a botanic garden you happen to live in)...

all was innocent, except for one out of place truck parked outside salmond hall this morning...

little did i suspect that the germ-man had prepared he's greatest strike yet... how was i too know... i hadn't figured out he was behind larry's terrible tumble the other day at bench hill...

yet in his cold calculating germ-mind, the germ-man had thought of a way for his tripping larry with a banana peel to trigger something far more sinister. one that was going to make me and larry regret some of our actions earlier in the week... and make my future in new zealand a whole lot more complicated...

at around 6:30 i got a call from my landlord ben the gardener on my "cell"phone.

"traumador you better find a TV now!" ben urged me.

larry didn't feel like coming to see what ben's concern was about, being still a little sore and stiff from his tumble the other day. though we tyrannosaurs are built tough, taking a full-on fall down a hill weighing 6 tonnes is still going to muck you up.

arriving at the garden cafe a few minutes later i found everyone, staff and costumers, with their heads all glued to the TV in the corner...

it was the middle of the evening news, but instantly my total attention was caught by the next segment. "now a special investigative report examining a growing threat to public safety that has developed in dunedin the last week."
_
it switched to some reporting standing in front of salmond hall. for a moment i was overwhelmed with thinking (which if you have a brain as small as mine is a bit of a big deal). public safety risk, and here he was in front of a place that many of my friends (namely owain and craig) lived at!?! were they in danger? were they going to be on TV?!? why hadn't they told me!?!?!

little did it occur to despite all this thinking that i should have considered the story would be about ME!

snapping me back to the moment having missed the reporters introduction to himself and the piece. "tonight my investigation looks at the increasing presence and menace of dinosaurs here in dunedin. over the past week news one has been bringing you coverage of the attack by a tyrannosaurus rex on a car unprovoked here in otago, but in this exclusive report we bring to light a number of other terrifying and shocking developments in this prehistoric invasion of the south island."

my heart skipped a beat...

"this was the scene just three days ago, when a jurassic killer," man do reporters ever do any research on things before they report them? cretaceous. cretaceous killer! "attempted to attack a student here at salmond college student residence."

oh no i thought. how could i have let larry talk me into his plan of getting the germ-man back? okay on the one hand it was easy for larry to convince me. the germ-man had thrown me off a stair case just due to getting his shirt wet, but i should have thought things through.

cause what came across on TV made us look real bad... i never even thought for a second about how busy salmond hall is. there are students wandering in and out of that place all day and night! of course some of the other students would have seen our prank on the germ-man. luck would have it that one of them had a camera, and worse yet with a video function.

larry was right a full on tyrannosaur roar would scare humans. even after the fact on TV. cause everyone one around me in the cafe jumped when larry let his patented bellow out at the germ-man.

next thing i knew there on screen was the germ-man himself. "the survivor of the attack one andreas von schnitzie, a german exchange student told news one his story."

_

"so there i was, yeah right, minding the business and suddenly i noticed ripples in mine water cup glass," the germ-man started. "so i was like 'oh my goodness there are ripples in mine water cup glass. i should go look around for the cause... with my eyes'. "
_

"next things i know this giant lizard appeared at the transparent wall..."

so far i couldn't say the germ-man had done anything bad. that is exactly what had happened.

than it came. he totally manipulated events.

"i was amazed," he started. "i'd never seen a lizard like that ever before. so i decided to get closer to the transparent wall and have a better look. again, with my eyes."

wait a second i thought watching the TV. larry ducked below the window so the germ-man couldn't him until he popped up and bellowed... than it dawned on me. the germ-man just claimed he'd never seen a "lizard" like larry before. which was a blatant lie. a lie that got worse!

"what a beautiful and magnificent creature i thought to mineself. all i wanted was to peacefully look at this lizard. that i point out had wandered up to mine home, not the other way around!" the germ-man buttered up his side of the story. "it waited there for me to come in closer. once i was in striking distance it tried to attack me!"

i could hear people in the cafe whispering angrily to each other... they were actually buying the germ-man's bogus story!

the germ-man on screen, as though to mock me, started to fake cry. "all i wanted to do was look at such a magnificent animal. what does it do, but try to end mine life."


"despite he's close brush in with the primal killer, mr. von schnitzie doesn't hold a grudge," the reporter interjected for a moment.

cutting back to the germ-man looking more composed after his faked upsetness "no i do not believe we should judge the beast too harshly. for after all it is far stupider than we human beings."

the reporter asked of the germ-man. "so would you say that you still feel safe after this incident?"

the germ-man looked directly at the camera, and it seemed through the TV past the rest of the audience in the cafe at me...


"though i don't think the beast knew what it was doing, i can not say i feel that means it is safe. afterall this thing came up to mine home here in the middle of the city. i was just lucky it was too dumb to smash through the transparent wall," my stomach knotted as i knew that the reporter believed every word the germ-man was saying. "i would caution everyone elses in dunedin to be on the lookout for this beast, and others like it. whether they be big or untiny. they are naturally blood thirsty and seem to want to eat the flesh of peoples."
_
"it is from this brave university student we have a chilling picture of these prehistoric beasts," the reporter went on. "which had until last week been unheard of here in new zealand. though thus far everyone who has close encounters with them has lived to tell the tale how much longer will this be the case?"
_
"just last week a mere block from salmond college another incident with a tyrannosaur unfolded that paints a bleak picture for dunedin's human residents. In this news one exclusive video, we have more evidence of the destructive and quite probably deadly nature of these colossal animals."
_

suddenly on the screen was footage of larry's fall at bench hill. the report described the event "in the middle of the after noon a stumbling, possibly drunk, tyrannosaurus rex fell in a section of the dunedin botanic garden causing $5,000 damage. more to the point ladies and gentlemen it is not hard to imagine the effect this falling giant would have had if people had been in the area at the time."
_
the reporter started to editorialize about if parks were unsafe where were people safe? what about our children? etc...
_
i stopped paying attention. my brain fixated on where did they get that footage of the fall? no one else had been around... i know because i looked around to make sure no one had seen it!
_
than it all came together "this incident was witnessed by many," the reporter claimed. i glared up at the TV in rage. "including mr. von schnitzie." and inside my brain the answer started to click...
_
"yes the lizards are dangerous anywhere they go," entered an edited clip of the germ-man who had clearly been ranting about how dangerous t-rexs were. "just the other day a group of me and mine friends were walking through the gardens when we beheld the sight of one of the lizards falling down a hill. it was almost as though its feets were made of banana peels that slip and slide everywhere. because it just feel down out of nowhere. me and mine friends were lucky to have not been below it or we'd have been made into panned cakes."
_
of course! it all made sense now! larry couldn't have just tripped out of no where... he complained that it felt like for a moment he'd stepped on something gooey and soft leading into the fall, but all he had on his foot afterwards was a faint trace of paste (which after 6 tonnes of dinosaur on it would be all that is left of a banana peel!). more to the point i could explain how the banana got there in the first place, and that larry's fall was filmed so perfectly!
_
the germ-man!!!

it was than suddenly i realized just how much damage the germ-man had inflicted on me with this retaliatory action of his... by not only causing larry to fall, but than sick the news on us he'd completely smeared tyrannosaurus public image way beyond the stereotype!

"and what has dunedin done about this threat? just an hour after the unprovoked attack on a car the dunedin police force attempted to interdict the prehistoric threat, and stop its rampage before any of these recent events.

however despite their best efforts the police force found that it did not have the legal mandate or authority to intervene or stop the monster."

"who would possibly have put into place laws that protect such creatures from terrorizing new zealand citizens?" the reporter challenged the audience.

"none other than our own department of conservation. under the newly established extracontinental organism act of earlier this year all tyrannosaurs have become protected species of new zealand. meaning that no matter what the animals do it is illegal for anyone to interfere with its existence, unless they have a special permit from the department of conservation .

who currently has such a permit? certainly not local law enforcement officers, who were forced to back down despite their desire to protect the people of otago.

thus far the only person that news one has been able to find with such a permit is one conservation officer aeryn hamilton. who had this to say when asked about the current tyrannosaur rampages through dunedin:"

"the department refuses to comment on these events. all i am at liberty to discuss at moment is that the department in conjunction with the ministry is re-examining our stance and policies on such extracontinental organisms in new zealand. until a decision is reached all such animals whether settled in new zealand or visiting under legal permits are still protected species and as of such unsanctionable at this time."

"in an attempt to assure the public the government is aware of the issue, prime minister helen clarke granted me a special interview on the governments dinosaur stance earlier today."

the show cut to the interview.

"mrs. prime minister thank you for taking the time to speak to us."

"my pleasure."

"now the government had officially agreed to let these animals into new zealand earlier this year had it not?"

"well in fairness this was the decision of the department of conservation upon the discovery of a single smuggled in individual animal. the government itself was not part of the decision process of granting it official protected status, but rather provisions have been in place giving the department the freedom to make these sorts of calls when the need arises."

"so what you're saying in essence is that a law had been pass previous that allowed the department the authority to decide without consulting the government."

"preciously."

"well obviously the department's descion has proven a bit questionable. what steps is the government going to take to prevent further endangerments to the public, and to stop this sort of thing from happening in the future?"

"i'm personally working closely with the minister and the department to rectify the situtation. options thus far include the addition of new conservation directives to the extracontinential organism act allowing easier intervention. in the long term i'm told by the department and the ministry a comphrensive review of the act is under way that is reviewing whether it serves any productive role in perserving new zealand's overall ecological heritage."

"are you than saying that the government is against dinosaurs in new zealand?"

"well that is something of a silly statement as there was clearly dinosaurs here at some point in the past. the government is currently in the process of confering with the department as to what impact both the tyrannosaurs and any other dinosaurs on the south island are having on our environment, and in some cases society."

other dinosaurs? what did she mean?

"the new zealand public can rest assured though, that by the end of the week a solution will be in place to help both the department of conservation and local law enforcement deal with any more incidents that threaten either property or lives from these animals."

just like that due to the actions of my visiting cousin (who is a legal organism of canada... NOT new zealand unlike me) and my enemy the germ-man, somehow i had just become public enemy number one!

as if to seal my new fate a picture of me appeared on screen.

"65 million years ago the group of animals known as the dinosaurs went extinct never to be seen again. yet in recent years some of them have made a mysterious return throughout the world. up until now only a few scattered bones of these animals were to be found the the two islands of new zealand. in the last few years an invasion has occurred of foreign dinosaurs coming to our shores seeking to establish a presence."

"leaving us with the question if none of them survived here should we be allowing them to enter our otherwise prehistoric free past?"

"some have pointed out that a reintroduced dinosaur presence would be quite fitting for new zealand's eco-system."

agent hamilton appeared on screen again. "new zealand is the home of some of the few survivoring land species from the mezesoic period. the tuatra and weta are species only minorly changed by the process of evolution in the last 65 million years. in some ways this would make our allowing dinosaurs to immigrate here a very logical step of keeping these few remaining remenants of that time together."

"regardless of whether it is ecologically or scienctifically logical to allow animals such as tyrannosaurus rex into new zealand, there has at the present been a human cost to this experinment by the department of conservation's."

_

the news expose wrapped up, going back to the news desk back at the station.

There the had a quick addition to add to the dinosaur special exposé. It was a way off tangent bit me puzzle...

"finally tonight a part of this developing crisis that has many concerned that the dinosaur menace is spreading far faster than any of us imagined."


"exclusive to news one this amatuer footage was taken off port chalmers two days ago. though no offical scientific confirmation has yet been made about the creature captured in the video, it clearly is not a species of animal native to the otago peninsula. leaving many to wonder are the dinosaurs in dunedin capable of moving not just by land, but now by the sea too?

this has been new one's coverage of the unfolding tyrannosaur crisis. thank you for watching ladies and gentlemen. good night."

okay i'd had just about enough for one day! i'm not sure what this last clip was, but it clearly wasn't a dinosaur! dinosaurs live on the land. period. we sometimes would go swimming for movements sake or to cool off, but not a single one of us made our livlihood off the water as it were. that was the realm of marine reptiles, fish, and invertabrates! the news needed to do it's homework!

me and larry hadn't gone anywhere near the harbour that alone port chalmers (which is a little ways up the peninsula, and more than an hours walk from town!). what were was their mystery creature?

causing me to come out of my at this point overworked mind was the realization that EVERYONE in the cafe had by now noticed my precense, and were glaring at me...

"hey," i ventured.

"get out of here you monster!" some lady shouted.

as i opened my mouth to respond a man yelled. "look out it's going to attack!" and throw a bottle of ketchup at me.

i barely managed to duck in time. i realized i should make an escape now before the crowd linched me!on my very fast legs (still having the body build of a baby t-rex i'm very lightly built for speed) i bolted from the cafe as fast as i could go!

what had just happened? was the only thing my brain the size of a peanut could think. how had my life in dunedin gone so wrong? why were the humans instantly out to kill us?

the news hadn't bothered to ask for our sides of the story? the reporter had clearly just wanted to cover the real life monster story he seemed to be presented?

despite my having gone out of my way to try and live life low impact in human society is this what i was going to get for it?

had larry been right the whole time? were humans going to hate me just because of what i was?

i was going to ask larry later today what he thought i should do about this situation? what the true tyrannosaur way to deal with humans?

to be continued...

a damage bench mark (the visitor part 9) (enemy! part 4)

only a few more days before my cousin larry has to head off to his audition with peter jackson elsewhere in new zealand. though i have to say initially larry's unannounced visit produced nothing but trouble, the last couple days i've been finding him far less of a JERK! and almost tolerable.

he still is a bit of an egotist, human hater, and general condescending to me, but compared to times past (especially when i bumped into him in vancouver) he is much more agreeable than i recall him ever being...

that having been said there are a large number of outstanding questions larry still hasn't answered since he arrived:

• why is he visiting me period (or as they call it here in new zealand full stop!)?
  

• when was he in drumheller visiting everyone at the royal tyrrell museum (my old home)?
  

• why was he even at the tyrrell (he hates museums)?
  

• how did he find out i was in new zealand in the first place (only 3 people know i'm down here!)?


• what movie is he auditioning for with peter jackson?

i was determined that today i was going to get the answer to at least one of these questions!


as we walked home from my current workplace the otago Museum (which we had just been exploring) i decided that the tyrrell was the easiest of these to pursue.

as larry and i entered the botanic garden (my current home) we'd entered into a comfortable silence walking. which to be honest is a little weird. normally in the past me and larry would have nothing but very UNcomfortable silences. if we weren't arguing about something...

i decided to risk this quiet truce. "larry could i ask you about the tyrrell?" i ventured as politely and casually as i could.

larry delayed... it was almost as if he were deciding whether it'd be better of him to answer or not... "of course cousin," he answered after a clear deliberation in his head.

alright we were in business i thought! "when were you there," i eagerly asked. i hadn't been at the tyrrell since x-mas last year...

"i popped into drumheller for a visit with my mom {known to most humans as black beauty the tyrannosaur} in july," larry answered.

that made sense. though larry has never been a fan of the confinement of museums he is something of a family dinosaur, and he did have a habit of visiting his mom at least once a year. that was the majority of the times i'd seen him actually in my life come to think of it.

"how is aunt black beauty?" i asked. i'd always gotten along fine with larry's mother (and my mom's sister).

"she is very well," larry responded smugly. "they finished some big renovations at the museum earlier this year, and my mother's display area was majorly upgraded."

the renovations weren't completely news to me. i'd seen the beginning of them back during my attempt to return to drumheller last year. aunt black beauty's area was majorly torn up at that point, but i had no idea it had been completed...

"that's great news," i acknowledged. it was good to hear that at least one of the tyrannosaurs at the museum was doing well. there was another i cared about far more though. "and how is... my mother?"

though i'm not sure he wished to express it, but larry's body language made it as though he had the satisfaction of making a kill during a hunt when i asked this question. an odd description i know, but i know my tyrannosaur body language (at least compared to a most humans!).

"she misses you traumador," he stated coldly. "and she was most distraught learning you'd moved this far away from her."

that cut a little deep. for a moment i was silenced by guilt. "is she really mad at me?" i ventured.

"saddened i'd say rather than mad. you know how perpetually melancholy skeletal dinosaurs are," larry corrected me.

it was true. fossilized dinosaurs being not truly alive were more an emotional imprint of their former selves, and as they are still aware that they've lost their bodies and minds tend to be sad about it...

guilt still numbed my head a bit. "other than my making her sad," i gulped. "is she doing okay?"

"yes," larry simply answered. "she would very much like for you to return to somewhere near drumheller though."

returning to north america really wasn't an option right now. i didn't have the money for it (i'd had to smuggle myself into new zealand as was the first time), and more to the point i'd be returning to the old problem of too many dinosaurs there that i had already fled.

desperate to change subject. "what about lillian?" i asked. lillian was one subject that already made me feel a little better. she's so dreamy..."she didn't happen to mention me did she?"

larry's posture once again showed he felt satisfaction like a kill, but his voice was somewhat angry and resentful. "lillian no longer works at the royal tyrrell museum. serves the absconder right."

"WHAT?!?" i thought out loud. i was unable to believe my ears!

lillian had been the museum's mascot for years! their star attraction... why in a million years would they get rid of such a magnificent specimen... (especially considering that curvy tail, those recurved talons, perfect teeth, and the body of a goddess... excuse me people of the innerweb i need to find a drool collecting bucket for a second)

i'd heard rumours before i was fired, that lillian might be leaving the museum. in fact it was my telling her about those rumours that ruined my asking her out way back in yesteryear.

and what did larry mean by absconder? what was lillian absconding from?

"yes the museum was," larry paused. for some reason he was considering he's wording carefully for some reason, and it wasn't to shield my feelings for lillian. "the museum was persuaded to consider more 'cooperative' albertosaurs to represent them to the public. lillian was too head strong and self-absorbed."

funny wording coming from larry. "self-absorbed" ha... i'd still say larry takes the cake for that one over lillian. though to be fair lillian was sort of a matriarch... oh sorry that is the tyrannosaur way of saying "princess" or spoiled girl. in a t-rex pack the alpha females (or royalty) are matriarchs.

"wait a minute you're saying the museum hired new albertosaurs to replace her? why would they do that?" i asked in disbelief. wait a second. though i didn't know it at the time i'd met her replacements... during my return to the museum i'd run into a very aggressive and rude pack of albertosaurs in the lobby. those must have been them. where else was the museum going to get a pack of living albertosaurs on short notice?

i pushed further confused by a part of larry's answer. "who persuaded the museum? not lillian?"

"the pack," larry instinctively whispered in a droning voice. i know he didn't mean to answer that because he snapped his head about and his voice became very calculated. "an outside party to the museum that very much has important dinosaurs interests at heart. something museums tend not to take into account."

"what outside party?" i demanded. "i've spent my whole life around museums. dinosaur heavy ones at that, and i'd never heard of such a group helping dinosaurs out."

"you're young still cousin," larry condescendingly replied. "you were never made aware of it's existence because you had not yet come of age. i can see you have many questions about this. which is good. it is why i have come to visit you."

finally larry was going to answer my biggest question. why was he here to see me at all!

that is he would have... had we not be drastically interrupted!!!

unbeknownst to us while we had entered the botanic garden we had been watched... no watched isn't the wrong word... we were being hunted...

we tyrannosaurs don't have the best bewaring instincts. in the cretaceous as the top predators of our environments (minus around water... we still had to be careful of giant crocodiles) we had little to fear... of course with the extinction everything's changed except our ancient instincts... humans can be very much an equal top predator to us... only more cunning and sneaky!

one of larry's actions in new zealand had angered a particularly dangerous human into action...

the germ-man had set out to lay a trap for me and larry in retaliation for larry's terrifying him the other day...

earlier in the day the germ-man had devised the most ironic of revenges. during the flood dunedin had a little while ago i'd tried to make up to the germ-man for eating his favourite dish by giving him some bananas.

"let us see lizard," he jokingly said to himself. "you ate one schnitzel, but gave me 5 bananas in return. i'd say that is one too many. i shall have to give it back to you."

only the germ-man could have devised a way to use a banana against us...

for you see once you've eaten a banana you're left with a peel... something i'd never have thought of. partially because i don't eat fruit under any circumstances (they make me literally sick in my predatory stomach), and also i never would contemplate turning food into a weapon.

we were about to learn one of the diabolical uses for fruit.

the germ-man had prowled the botanic garden all day waiting for us to pass by. in a different life he would have made an excellent tyrannosaur. patiently and contently stalking his quarry. savouring the anticipation of the perfect moment to strike...

the only problem with this is that we tyrannosaurs WERE the quarry! in that different life it would have been some poor ornithischian who'd have to worry. not us...

it just so happened that the perfect moment for the germ-man to strike was right as larry prepared to tell me his true reasons for coming to see me...

the germ-man of course had no perception of the ill timing of his attack. nor would he have cared. in fact knowing him he probably would have been twice as happy...

throwing his banana peel carefully into position the trap was set.

doesn't look like much does it. to be frank it isn't really...

unless you put 6 tonnes of weight balanced solely on one leg on top of it...

in which case something very much like this would happen...

i wasn't sure which was louder... larry completely destroying one of the benches of bench hill or the bellow of pain larry emitted when he hit...

needless to say it was just a lucky thing that no one had been sitting on bench hill... just imagine that same 6 tonnes needed for this equation to work in the first place running over a person!?!

larry though not seriously hurt fortunantly (we t-rexs are made tough) was somewhat stunned and disoriented after his tumble. certainly in no shape or condition to finish our conversation.

he staggered off with a minor limp to his clearing to rest off the minor injuries he'd recieved from the fall.

the germ-man who'd gone unnoticed simply enjoyed the whole incident unfold from his hiding place.

"wunderbar," he laughed. "those stupid lizards will never suspect, with their brains, that are tiny and small that this was my doing."

"if only there were some way i could share this most joyous of spectacles with others," he mused.

"ah but of course!" something in his wicked mind schemed. "with but one call, on my phone... oh my lizard friends i have only begun with you."

the germ-man cackled to himself as he ran off to enact his new plan... one that would have HUGE implications...

meanwhile i had implications from the germ-mans first stunt as was. my landlord ben the gardener was furious to say the least as the destruction of two of the benches on bench hill among other things. i got a call from him within 15 minutes of larry's falling, and him demanding to see me at the garden's cafe/information centre.

"do you have any idea how much those benches cost traumador?!?" he demanded and exclaimed at the same time. "what if someone had been sitting on them!?!"

"no idea, and they'd have been squished," i answered glummly.

"when i agreed to let your cousin to stay here you promised that nothing drastic would happen!" ben challenged.

"problems actually," i corrected. ben's face got really angry looking (in human body language... a lot different than t-rex... just pointing out i can read both species body language... can get confusing for me sometimes). so i quickly added. "but i can see this being a bit of a problem."

" 'a bit of a problem'. that's the understatement of the month," ben grumbled.

"traumador, do you have any idea how hard it is for me right now not to just chuck the two of you out of my garden?" ben pleaded.

"probably pretty hard," i tried to reassure him. i had to get him on my side right now!

"seriously though ben i swear it was an accident." i had no idea about the germ-mans involvement... yet... "larry just tripped. it'd be like kicking out all the little kids who fall over in the gardens and squish grass in the garden every day..."

"it's not that simple traumador," ben frustratedly responded. he was trying to be nice, but the 'gravity' of the situation was 'weighting' him down (i'm trying to 'lighten' this part of the story... get it ;p ). "even if i ignore the fact that the next time your cousin trips he could hurt or kill someone. i still have two demolished expensive benches to replace!"

than an idea popped into my peanut sized brain! "okay the benches i can help you with," i offered. "we'll replace them."

"on a security guards salary?" ben was skeptical.

"no a hollywood star's," i rebuttaled. "larry's the richest dinosaur actor in history. he can totally afford two new benches."

ben stood thinking about it.

"please," i pleaded. "it takes care of the problem he caused, and he didn't mean it. you should see the bruises and cuts on his back from the tumble. larry didn't do it intentionally."

than ben's face lightened back to close to his normal chipper happy self. "alright. so long as i have the money by tomorrow," he paused. "and tell your cousin not to trip anymore in the gardens! anywhere else, but if it's here i'll have to kick you two out traum."

great. so i now had to not only keep larry from being larry, but i had to prevent chance circumstances too!

that and now i had to tell larry i needed more money from him...

and i didn't get the answer to my question about why larry is here...

worse of all the germ-man had one more huge surprise in store for us!

to be continued...

could i be more? (the visitor part 8)

i've made it up to the halfway mark of my cousin larry's totally uninvited and unasked for visit to new zealand. 8 days of what he told me should only be 14 have gone by. (for the whole story just click this for the archive of this adventure).

i've been so preoccupied dealing with larry i'd totally forgot about my normal day to day tasks and responsibilities... the biggest of those was work!

it came as a total surprise when i got a call from my boss on this morning...

"traumador," calmly greeted ms. rhonwyn. "haven't seen you at work this week."

oh no i thought in my tiny mind! i started panic, but tried to cover up. "oh was that this week?" i feebly asked.

"yes it was traumador," she firmly answered. "now based on what i've been seeing on the TV lately though i'd say you've been legitimately distracted. in the future you need to phone these sorts of things in though. we can discuss it though this afternoon when you come in for your shift."

"uh okay," i found myself saying... though inside my head all i could think about was what was i going to do about larry?!?

i couldn't just leave my giant cousin to wander dunedin on his own. with me around he'd caused plenty of damage as was.

interrupting my attempt to scheme a solution larry wandered up from behind me. "who was that cousin?"

"work," i admitted.

"i assume they wanted you to come in at some point?" larry deduced.

"yeah. today," i reluctantly replied.

"prepare yourself then," larry ordered rudely. who went extinct and made him king again. "than we shall visit this museum of yours. i would very much like to see it."

just like that not only was i heading into work in trouble, but i was bringing even more trouble with me.

everytime i've gotten phone calls lately they've been nothing but unfun. why do i keep my "cell" phone?

after gathering the few things i needed for my security guard job, next thing i knew i was up on top of larry's back walking to the otago museum.

now don't get me wrong it is one heck of a way to get around. up on the back of a fully grown bull tyrannosaur. nothing quite gives you the same respect from motorists (especially after larry's highly publicized attack on a car).

at the same time the last time i rode around with larry proved to be a big setback in my quest to distance myself from the tyrannosaur sterotype. more to the point i was bringing this sterotype into the LAST aspect of my new new zealand life that larry hadn't yet managed to complicate with his visit.

entering the lobby my coworkers at the museum were naturally astounded. fortunately as it's only spring here in dunedin there weren't too many visitors in museum. those few that were in had a range of reactions. all i know is that their impression of the otago museum will be quite a definitive one (the tyrrell has the same effect on people).

it was here that the moment i dreaded came. i was going to have to go and find ms. rhonwyn, and i really really REALLY didn't want larry to meet her at all (considering everyone else's reactions to larry thus far...).

"i'm going to have to go and work larry," i tried to gently ditch him.

"understood," larry dismissively said. "do what you must. i wish to examine this place that you've settled to work in."

well so much for a complicated ditching of larry. at the same time did he have to be so rude about my choice of workplace? than again it is larry... he is a JERK!

larry headed off to check out the museum... how he was going to get around such a tightly packed building was beyond me, but i sort of resigned to the fact that these days i couldn't stop him from causing trouble no matter where i took him...

all i know is that the paint he's scrapping off the roof isn't coming out of my pay!

i found ms. rhonwyn in the museum's lecture room (not our most impressive room... why i never mentioned it before) waiting for me.

"hello ms. rhonwyn," i tried to be all formal to try and avoid getting my punishment in the first sentence.

she simply walked up to me and whispered, "we're adapting a more culturally sensitive approach here from now on." suddenly she pressed her nose into my snout?!?

"what are you doing?" i ask confused after a moment.

"this is a maori greeting called a hongi," she replied calmly, and than back away...

"now traumador. you missed every shift we had you scheduled for this week," ms. rhonwyn stated gravely.

"i can explain," i interrupted.

"now this is something of a serious issue," she cut me back off. "for the first day that left the museum unguarded for two whole hours! i've had to hire another guard due to your unreliability."

a funny feeling erupted in my stomach hearing this. larry really should moonlight as a life destroyer!

"you didn't phone in," she went on. "not one phone call! upper management was furious. they were calling for your being fired immediately. which is a shame because i was noticing your hard work and effort these last few months."

why did i have to hear this?

"that is not taking into account you're dinosaur heritage," her voice suddenly lightened up. "i was able to convince them cell phones and schedules probably weren't a big part of traditional life 65 million years ago."

i had no idea what she was talking about now. "so uh is this where i go clear out my things? cause i'll level with you i haven't really used my locker."

ms. rhonwyn's face lite up with a smile. "oh you silly little dinosaur. you're not fired. i was able to use this new cultural tolerance and integration policy the museum is adapting to save you. just next time call in please. it makes it easier for me."

"why aren't you firing me?" i still couldn't believe my ears.

"it doesn't take a curator to make the connection between the timing of your disappearance and the large t-rex rampaging around on the news," ms. rhonwyn's face betrayed excitement. "what or sorry... who is it?"

"my cousin," i answered still not sure if i was in trouble with work or not?

"you know it than ha!" she got real excited. "i bet tracy in collections that you knew it, and that this wasn't just another random tyrannosaur wandering into town."

"seriously," ms. rhonwyn sounded a little giddy. "you actually know that other tyrannosaur? a full grown tyrannosaur, and you know it?"

"yeah," i replied matter of factly. i was trying not to take it personally. that's partially why i moved here to new zealand is that their not used to us dinosaurs... i'd spent my whole childhood growing up around all kinds of dinosaurs till i moved down here though!

"is there any chance i can meet it?" her eyes pleaded with me...

"uh," i hesitated. "are you sure mame? he doesn't exactly get along with people that well."

"traumador i'm not people," she grinned. "i work at a museum. i've heard stories about working with dinosaurs many times. i just haven't had the opportunity to until this year. part of why i hired you."

"i've always really wanted get to see some dinosaurs up close. now i've seen a miniature t-rex, but i'd love to see a fully grown one!" ms. rhonwyn explained.

"well he's in the building right now," i offered.

"really?" she sounded disappointed for some reason. "of all the luck... i have a meeting i have to goto.

"he'll probably be around for my whole shift," i try and facilitate.

"no good my meetings up in christchurch, and i won't be back till tomorrow," ms. rhonwyn counters. a meeting in christchurch? why does ms. rhonwyn have so many meetings out of town? "how about i come visit you guys in the garden when i get back. i'd love to see tyrannosaurs in 'the wild'. "

"okay," i answer half heartedly. i don't think it'd be a good idea to have her meet larry. everyone else in dunedin whose met him hasn't exactly been filled with pro tyrannosaur sentiment afterwards... ms. rhonwyn senses my hesitation.

"promise to call me, and i'll give you the rest of your cousin's visit off work," she entices me

"deal," i agree much more excitedly. that way i don't have to bring him here, and i can actively keep him away from people.

"well i should be off," ms. rhonwyn concludes looking at her watch. "i look forward to seeing you a little later in the week."

like that she heads off. i sit in the lecture room embracing the silence for a couple of minutes. it's been over a week since i've had time alone with my thoughts (as simple as they might be).

i reluctantly set out into the museum to find larry. granted as he is 14 metres long he's not exactly hard to spot. especially since he has to duck and crouch he's way through the human sized galleries of the otago. meaning that there is usually a part of him sticking out somewhere making him easy to spot even from the lobby.

as i approach him larry states rather condescendingly. "a most mediocre institution."

"larry," i grumble. like i haven't had to put up with enough the last week than more of larry's usual egotistical JERK! personality.

"what do you know about museums?" i challenge. larry only spent his hatchling year growing up in the tyrrell. once he was a year and half old he set off for a theme park where he was discovered by hollywood casting agents. not exactly a musume expert compared to someone who has spent the majority of his life in a museum (even after the tyrrell fired me i've had on and off jobs at the devil's coulee musuem, the vancouver eco-centre, and here at the otago).

"i know that this museum has no justification for making you a lowly security guard!" larry declared.

"what?" i ask not seeing that explanation coming...

"i've visited our various ceolorasaur relatives throughout the world in all manner of museums. this one though a nice new building compared to older museums, has one of the most pathetic collections of prehistoric creatures i've ever seen. a few marine reptiles and than some modern birds {i think larry was referring to the moas}," larry stated. "yet when a prime new extinct specimen, a tyrannosaurus rex no less, walks in through their front door offering to work for them they delegate him to a mere security guard."

"yeah but," i start thinking the museum had its reasons for doing so. i stall though unable to think of why.

"you're beginning to see cousin," larry says satisfied. "despite you're being a pygmy, in this you are nothing short of remarkable."

"anywhere else in the world would be begging you to be their star exhibit," larry went on. "this place forces you to be a mere security guard. that is my problem with this museum cousin."

though the otago museum had been treating me well (at least compared to the dinosaur crammed tyrrell) i was beginning to feel unfulfilled as just a security guard. i was hoping to work my way up to be something like a curator or a field collector...

though to be honest unlike what larry was getting at i didn't want to be an exhibit again. it's not much fun standing around all day while people come just to look at you, and you get in trouble if you break the illusion by trying to tell visitors more about yourself (rather than making them read all the signs... stupid sign makers union argument that talking exhibits would put musuem sign makers out of jobs! so sign makers lose their employment security what about us exhibit's rights?!? besides maybe if they had to compete a bit more than sign makers would put more effort into the displays!)

somehow larry had given me something to think about. i spent the whole rest of my shift wondering what life would be like if i could get one of my dream museum jobs...

larry meanwhile finished his tour of the museum just in time for quitting time. as we wandered the upper balcony of the museum i turned to him.

"do you seriously think i could be more than a security guard?" i asked larry. picturing myself as a respected and important part of a museum team.

"if i had my way you would," larry answered. "i learned of your being fired from the tyrrell too late to stop it."

i stop dead in my tracks. "what do you mean you could have stopped the tyrrell from firing me? you don't work for them."

larry's eyes took on an almost sinister glint. "we ceolurosaurs' have a lot more influence throughout the prehistoric influence than you might realize."

"you mean tyrannosaurs right?" i corrected. larry didn't responded. "you know cause we're the tyrannical king lizard's?"

"partially," larry responded. "that is why we have always ruled over the pack."

"pack?" i questioned.

"all in good time cousin," larry seemed to have regretted mentioning that in front of me. he quickly tried to change subject. "as for the tyrrell. they were fools for letting you go. i have rectified their hiring policies in the future so that no more ceolurosaurs are ever removed from their staff..."

i couldn't quite believe my ears. larry had actually answered one of my questions! more than that though... this was yet another mention of larry's to his having been at the tyrrell since my departure from drumheller... but since when had larry had any say over the tyrrell's policies?

"could you tell me about the tyrrell?" i asked hoping that larry's openness would continue.

larry seemed to sense that he had regained my full attention. "of course cousin, but first tell me more of this museum as we walk home. i have an idea, but i need more information on this place."

"okay," i answered. i wasn't sure why he needed to know about the otago, but if it made him happy than maybe he'd finally tell me about home!

we started to walk home, and i told larry many things about the behind the scenes working of the otago. he seemed very interested in their fossil collections and management.

little did either of us realize that waiting down the road a trap was being set. one we were about to walk into...

to be continued...

revenge jurassic style! (the visitor part 7) (enemy! part 3)

almost made it halfway through my cousin larry's visit at 6 days down.

considering larry didn't alert me in anyway that he was just going to drop not too much has gone wrong... well other than me almost losing my home, permit to live in new zealand, and best friend. oh and we almost got arrested by the dunedin police force! that and now tyrannosaurs are being demonized by every news outlet in new zealand because larry likes to attack humans unprovoked!

okay so i'm in denial... the trip has been a total disaster! so much for the stability i was starting to get here a few month ago in new zealand... larry being the total JERK! that he is still hasn't even told me why he is here...

there's a number of big questions that have built up since larry arrived. however my biggest one at moment is where is larry getting all his information from? he knows things about me he just shouldn't!

foremost of this info is how on earth did he find out that on the earth, i'm on new zealand?!? only 3 people outside the country know about that, and one of them is here now!

today larry did it again... somehow he found out about recent events here in dunedin, and i sure hadn't told him about them!

we'd been arguing in the park (i've been trying to restrict us to the botanic garden ever since our disastrous field trip downtown) because me and larry have next to nothing in common. he insists on doing things in the traditional proper tyrannosaur fashion where i'm trying to be with the times and live something like a human...

larry wanted to hunt in the forest (which is a little silly as new zealand doesn't have an big animals at all!). where i wanted to just hang around the park and read some books (i borrowed a few from work to read up on our material. i don't want to be a security guard forever, and i figure the only way to work my way up is to arm myself with knowledge!). so we were at something of an impasse.

larry stormed off down the path after he realized he'd hit a brick wall... larry has been pushing me the last couple days to do more dinosaurian and tyrannosaur activities. he's afraid all this time i've been spending around humans has "dulled" my "instincts".

i've been outright refusing. i don't want anything to do with dinosaur culture anymore. not since the terrible events of my quest to find a new home at 65 million BC (especially my encounters at dino town, calgary, and larry himself in vancouver). dinosaurs have become real mean and even more competitive than they were millions of years ago. there just isn't many places for us today in a human world... i summarized this real well in my post way back when i ran into that albertosaur in calgary.

also even more key i don't want to do true tyrannosaur things because than i'll turn out a sterotypcial t-rex like larry...

after 2 days of this ongoing debate larry finally realized i wasn't going to budge on the subject, and he was getting back to his JERK! like self. all mean and bossy. i was just about done with him!

after he'd wandered off for half an hour i started to hope maybe larry had gotten sick of me too, and left! crushing that hope a minute later larry wandered back, but his demeanour had changed...

"you've calmed down," i observed out loud. i've found the best way to figure out what larry's thinking is to play dumb, and he get him angered into 'correcting' me...

"i have cousin," he replied in a very polite voice. weird... "i've just realized that you have no context on your roots. afterall you were raised by a human . how could you possibly know what being a tyrannosaur truly is."

"i lived at the tyrrell for 3 years larry," i rebutted not wanting to go down the whole dulled instincts conversation AGAIN! "i know perfectly well what t-rexs are like. i hung out with mom, aunt black beauty (larry's mom), and the albertosaurs all the time. kinda got the picture then."

"that is within a captive context," larry responded his voice still level. normally in these debates he'd have been grumpy by now. plus this was a new argument he hadn't used before. what was he going to get at? "you've clearly never seen a tyrannosaur outside human dominance."

"oh yeah?" i wasn't even remotely moved by that. sure we had to follow the museum and megan's rules, but they treated us very well. especially considering there is no place for us now in a post extinction world.

"yes cousin," larry went on, but clearly with a direction to this logic. "for example we tyrannosaurs are the kings. we don't have to put up with lesser beings pushing us around."

"like who?" i couldn't possibly think of anyone pushing me around other than larry!

"what is this i hear about you getting bullied by a germ-mammal?" larry challenged.

i know my jaw dropped (a very human thing to do... which was good cause larry doesn't read human body language as good as dinosaurian). how had larry learned about the germ-man?

"what about him?" i managed to blurt back.

"how would you like to see how a true tyrannosaur would deal with him," larry craned his head towards me.

i was so tempted. the germ-man had been so mean to me for no reason, but i was in so much trouble already due to larry...

"ah but we'd have to eat him," i talked myself out of the temptation out loud.

larry just happily snarled (the t-rex version of purring... a very menacing growl to a human) "who said anything about eating him? there is a tried and tested method of scaring any foe whether they be mammal, ornithischian, or tyrannosaur. we won't have to kill him at all," larry slyly prompted. he concluded with sincerity. "afterall i promised you i won't harm anymore humans this trip."

even though a voice in the back of my head told me not to i found myself vengfully replying. "alright let's do it!"

meanwhile at salmond hall the germ-man unsuspecting sat in his room doing what ever it is they do in... uh what is the name of the place he comes from again?... germ-land? germ-many? germ-anada? germ-ina?... anyways doing what they do where he is from!

"i enjoy reading germ-books... with my eyes," he happily spoke to himself.

it's hard to believe this is the kind of thing the germ-man does most of the time. everytime i've ever seen him, he has bullied me for no reasons whats so ever! whether it being pushing me around (literally) or throwing me off a stair case (and other stuff!)

well he was about to recieve his just desert... well not really... cause getting cake or ice cream would be nice... larry was about to deliever an anti-desert!

as the germ-man relaxedly sat back reading he had with him a nice little snack. which included a glass of water?... after the whole me spilling water on his favourite shirt you think he'd stay clear of H2O!?! i thought germ-men were allergic to wet clothing. what would happen to him if he spilled some that water on himself?!?...

had the germ-man paid closer attention to his water than he might have been given a clue as to what was about to happen to him... (well assuming that he'd seen jurassic park ... cause otherwise you might not get why water in cups ripples like this)

needless to say when there was a loud thump against the wall outside his room the germ-man noticed something was abnormal...

"what was that?" the germ-man exclaimed. "i wish to find out. so i shall go and take a look."

he wandered out of his room and down the hall to the source of the sound.

"there is nothing outside of this transparent wall that could have made that noise," the germ-man concluded after looking.

suddenly from below the germ-man, larry lifted his head from where he'd been crouching below the window.

"great lederhosen!" the germ-man cried out. "an even gianter lizard than the lizard himself!"

the germ-man had an annoying habit of calling me lizard... maybe up until now!

with his 'prey' in sigh larry let loose his great anti-foe weapon. the loudest angriest roar one can possibly pull off in tyrannosaurese.

you see back in the cretaceous we t-rexs (and our relatives in the tyrannosaurid family) were a mean and competitive lot. often there were squabbles over things like territory, pack membership, mates, and of course food. if you didn't particularly want to fight a fellow rex than you could try to intimidate them with your loud scream. if you sounded scary enough they might not want to risk harm by fighting you and back off (sadly though this only worked sometimes, and fights between t-rexs were a common thing... it's one of the reasons our skulls are so heavily built!).

even though larry did his battle cry in tyrannosaurese it is a fairly universal phrase in both saurian tongues, english, and you guessed it germ-an...

the germ-man bolted down the hall and into his room as fast an an ornithomimid hahahahahahaha

oh man if this was what it was to be a t-rex maybe i was wrong about the whole thing!

as me and larry walked off laughing and planning a hunt into the forest we thought nothing more the germ-man...

which might have been a BIG mistake... cause contrary to our assumption he'd hide under his bed for the next week he got over his frieght fairly quickly...

"so those lizards think they can scare me, in my, heart do they?" he angerily growled. "well i shall return the favour then!!!"

yeah me and larry were dead wrong in thinking things with the germ-man were over...

to be continued...

start spreading the news (the visitor part 6)

so 4 days of my cousin larry's visit have gone by, and not without incidence.

larry has thus far managed to get me in trouble with: my landlord, the the department of conservation (DOC for short), and even the dunedin police department!
_

due to larry's unprovoked attack on a car, tyrannosaurs have been getting a lot of coverage in the news in the last couple days around new zealand. the verdict is we t-rexs are nothing more than stereotypical killing machines. fittingly their comparing larry's real life act to those from his famous film role in the jurassic park movies...
_
there's a lot of people calling for me and larry to be removed from new zealand (by any means necessary...) ... i'm expecting another visit from agent hamilton, my attache with DOC, to carry out such action... this visit just gets better and better. . fortunately agent hamilton hasn't showed up... yet!
_

despite the recent anti-dinosaur sentiment sweeping dunedin, not everyone had jumped on the band wagon... my friend owain being one of them. though sadly, not due to his confidence in us tyrannosaurs. he just hadn't read or watched the news lately.

i haven't hung out with owain in a little while, not since our bad run in with the germ-man in fact. we've both been really busy sadly. owain being the great pal he is decided that one of us needed to fix this current trend of none hanging out...

why did he have to pick today of all days to try and reconnect though?!?

after several minutes of looking for me around the garden owain finally tracked me down.

"hey traumador," called owain. i didn't reply not wanting to draw attention to owain's approach.

owain picked up on this though sadly. "what's the deal traum? you haven't called, you haven't wrote, you missed all my birthdays," owain jokes.

"yeah i guess i haven't and did," i feebly jest back.

"man you sound down traum. what's the matter?" owain concernedly asks.

before i can answer though owain suddenly draws in his breath and stiffens his stance as he notices the rather large figure standing behind me...

even now i know how this is going to play out... though larry hasn't said it officially, the whole purpose of this trip was to destroy my life piece by piece... owain is just the next on the list...

though i know i'm fighting fate, i try to introduce owain to larry on the hope of hopes that larry will be play nice. "owain this is my cousin larry."

for several seconds they just stare at each other. larry in disinterest, and owain out of borderline terror...

amazingly to his credit owain worked up his courage enough to speak. "nice to meet you mr. tyrannosaur sir." owain's voice barely betrays his fear. though sadly his smell does. yeah we t-rexs have a pretty good sense of smell, and that old saying "predators can smell your fear" is true!

larry just cocks his head a bit like a bird (as we t-rexs are just giant direct relatives of birds it makes sense we do this... just humans are often surprised by this similarity). i'm more than a little surprised at this.

i venture in hopes that this might actually be a civil interaction. "owain is a film student larry," i try to get a common ground. larry being the biggest dinosaur movie star in modern film might put up with a student of his craft...

owain tries to ease into this subject (man is he the best friend a tyrannosaur can have or what?). "i'm a big fan of jurassic park sir. you capture the majesty and raw power of your kind very elegantly," owain starts.

"so many classic moments. your entering the film with the lamb's leg gag. that magnificent entrance through the electric fence. the classic flashlight in the eye. everyone's favourite part where you eat the lawyer. not to mention the finale rescue of the heroes from the raptors. i have to say sir it is the all time best dinosaur movie of all time!" owain butters larry up. his confidence builds.

"what was it like working with steven speilberg?" he enthusiastically asks forgetting that larry is potentially 6 tons of killer reptile.

than the most tragic thing happened... larry answered.


what makes this so tragic is that larry actually civilly answers owain's question... the debacle is all my fault! me and my peanut sized brain forgot to warn owain that larry doesn't speak english like me (i am the only theropod in the world that can...) but rather tyrannosaurese...

"steven is a most brilliant and imaginative human. working with him is one of the few instances i have ever..." larry begins, but his is cut off... by owain running away!

you see due to my slight neglect the version of the answer owain heard was very much like a live performance of larry's full-on roar from jurassic park. if you don't know any better (which 99.9% of humans justifiably don't) it is a really scary experience...

as owain bolted from the botanic garden my anxiety overwhelmingly came back... another of the people close to me was now terrified of larry, and no doubt had an altered perception of me. not to mention how this might play into the media's hands. suddenly they'd have a close friend of one of the "monsters" spouting on about how menacing we are... and larry wasn't even being a JERK! for once...

"how strange," larry notes. "i actually was beginning to like that mammal."

i try to recover on that sentiment in case i ever somehow managed to get owain to meet larry again.

"he's my best friend in new zealand, and a real awesome guy. you two will get along great on the whole movie thing. we watched all the jurassic park movies, and he loved 1 and 3!" i desperately try to play up owain into larry's vainity (larry still being a JERK! loves himself, and his own movies).

"he's just never heard tyrannosaurese before... you know how skittish humans can be the first few times they hear it." i try to reason with larry.

"he is hardly worthy of being your friend if he can't accept that part of who you are at face value cousin," larry challenges.

"well he... wait what?" larry catches me off guard.

"if he is truly your friend than your native tongue should not scare or offend him," larry notes. "you not only put up with his mammalian language, but you have gone to the effort to learn to speak it. you have even submitted yourself to his culture. you wear mammalian clothing, and try to fit into mammalian society. yet he can't accept you for what little is left of who you are."

technically it was larry's demonstrating of my cultural roots that freaked owain out that bad. yet larry sort of had a point. what if i had asked larry a question in tyrannosaurese or introduced owain to larry in tyrannosaurese. i had done so in english because larry understand english (just doesn't speak it), but what if i had in tyrannosaurese? i don't have as large of lungs as larry making my t-rex accent a little quieter, but it sounds roughly the same.

was larry right? was owain not really my friend? after all weren't friends supposed to tolerate each others differences?

i got stuck on this as the day went on. there were still key questions i needed to ask larry about his visit, but for now the sudden re-examination of my interactions with humans overwhelmed my tiny little mind...

all the while anti-tyrannosaur propaganda spread throughout the city of dunedin...

to be continued...