Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Credentials: 7.0 out of 10 (Imdb.com)/37% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)/42 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: Apparently that whole “space race” thing back in the day was just an excuse to investigate an alien robot ship that crash landed on the moon. Meanwhile in the present day, our unnecessary hero Sam (Shia “Beeftown” LaBeouf) is finding himself very unlucky on the job-hunting front. I’d like to feel sorry for him, I really would, expect inexplicably Beeftown has traded in his old gal pal and her horrible attitude (Megan Fox) for a newer, sexier and British-ier version (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). Anyway, eventually the good Transformers (Autobots) and the bad ones (Decepticons) hear tell of the ship on the moon so they all start hatching plans to claim its precious cargo.

Thoughts: There was one question I went into “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” hoping I would get an answer to. (Actually, there were two if you count: “Why am I doing this to myself?”)

                The question was: What in the blue hell happened to the word “side” and why isn’t it in the title of this movie?

                Sadly, I did not receive an answer.

                What I did end up getting, however, was mildly entertained.

                It looks like director Michael Bay and screenwriter Ehren Kruger put forth a little bit of effort this time.

                “Transformers: Dark (SIDE) of the Moon” is without a doubt the best of Bay’s three stabs at making a movie about warring robot aliens.

                The action scenes are loud and overlong in true Bay fashion, but I never got lost during a single one. I always knew who was fighting who and… even stranger… why.

                Bay pulls his camera back and lightens up on his usual frantic editing, and actually lets his audience see blow for blow robots fighting each other. And guess what? It’s a beautiful thing.

                This time around, Bay and his team spent some time designing their robot leads. Instead of a sea of greys and airplanes, the transformers manage to distinguish themselves. They do this despite the fact that very few of them, especially the bad ones, get to do much talking.

                So the action is solid, but as I said it goes on for too long. The hour plus climactic battle scene will likely tire out even the most hardcore fans. Seriously, you can only watch so many buildings blow up before the shine wears off.

                The story is… nearly intelligible. It gets sidetracked periodically, and is way too bloated but I think this one made the most sense of the three.

                Some advice for Michael Bay and company. I can’t tell you enough how little we care about these characters. We want to see robots fighting and hot girls. Everything else is just parsley on the plate. So please stop using so much parsley! A sprig will do just fine.

                I don’t understand how Bay can so affectionately embrace his image as Hollywood’s oldest teenager and yet still refuse to just skip the useless attempts at character development in the “Transformers” movies.

                Just stick to what you’re good at Bay, indiscriminately blowing stuff up. Leave the character stuff for the pros. And for the love of all that is holy STOP making three hour long movies! You could chop at least an hour off of “Dark of the Moon” and not lose anything of value.

                On to the acting. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has ratcheted it up to 11 in this one.

LaBeouf does his usual, goofy, Corey Matthews circa latter day “Boy Meets World” nonsense, but this time he’s not alone.

John Malkovich AND Ken Jeong are both in this movie. That is a whole lotta crazy. And the thing is: Bay doesn’t seem to have any interest in reining in either one. He turns them loose on an unsuspecting movie going public, and waits to see who can chew the most scenery in the shortest amount of screen time.

                Neither hangs around very long, but I think Jeong’s paranoid schizophrenic edged out Malkovich’s excessive tan and OCD. By a hair.

                Even the Transformers are hamming it up. Many now sport silly haircuts and have outrageous Monty Python accents.

                What about newcomer Rosie Huntington-Whitelely? Critics haven’t been kind to her, saying outrageous things like: “She makes Megan Fox look like Judy Dench.”

                The truth is Rosie is NOT a good actress. But the part doesn’t call for one. Heck, Fox did it for two movies. All you have to do is stand around, look hot, pout and occasionally react to stuff.

                Rosie pouts and reacts just fine and she’s way hotter than Megan Fox. Plus she doesn’t have a raging personality disorder. Good trade.

 “Transformers 3” has its fair share of laughs. It loses the robot balls, racism and animal humping from part two and goes back to some real, honest comic relief. Aside from the nonstop over-the-top performances, a few of the smaller Autobots provide some chuckles here and there.

Even better: Sam’s parents are kept mostly in the background.  

            Lastly, it only took three movies, but finally Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson get to do stuff!

            “Dark of the Moon” is the “Citizen Kane” of Bay’s “Transformer” movies. Granted, that’s not saying very much considering the quality of the other films in the series. It’s still not very good and I would never, EVER sit through it again, but it could be worse. It could be “Transformers.” Or it could be even worse and be “Revenge of the Fallen.”  

            One question remains: What did you people do to the word “side?????”

            Well, that and why in the good goddamn did you cast Hugo Weaving and then give him almost nothing to do for three whole movies?

             Bumblebee tuna.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Credentials: 7.0 out of 10 (Imdb.com)/37% Certified Rotten (Rottentomatoes.com)/42 out of 100 (Metacritic.com)

Plot: Apparently that whole “space race” thing back in the day was just an excuse to investigate an alien robot ship that crash landed on the moon. Meanwhile in the present day, our unnecessary hero Sam (Shia “Beeftown” LaBeouf) is finding himself very unlucky on the job-hunting front. I’d like to feel sorry for him, I really would, expect inexplicably Beeftown has traded in his old gal pal and her horrible attitude (Megan Fox) for a newer, sexier and British-ier version (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). Anyway, eventually the good Transformers (Autobots) and the bad ones (Decepticons) hear tell of the ship on the moon so they all start hatching plans to claim its precious cargo.

Thoughts: There was one question I went into “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” hoping I would get an answer to. (Actually, there were two if you count: “Why am I doing this to myself?”)

                The question was: What in the blue hell happened to the word “side” and why isn’t it in the title of this movie?

                Sadly, I did not receive an answer.

                What I did end up getting, however, was mildly entertained.

                It looks like director Michael Bay and screenwriter Ehren Kruger put forth a little bit of effort this time.

                “Transformers: Dark (SIDE) of the Moon” is without a doubt the best of Bay’s three stabs at making a movie about warring robot aliens.

                The action scenes are loud and overlong in true Bay fashion, but I never got lost during a single one. I always knew who was fighting who and… even stranger… why.

                Bay pulls his camera back and lightens up on his usual frantic editing, and actually lets his audience see blow for blow robots fighting each other. And guess what? It’s a beautiful thing.

                This time around, Bay and his team spent some time designing their robot leads. Instead of a sea of greys and airplanes, the transformers manage to distinguish themselves. They do this despite the fact that very few of them, especially the bad ones, get to do much talking.

                So the action is solid, but as I said it goes on for too long. The hour plus climactic battle scene will likely tire out even the most hardcore fans. Seriously, you can only watch so many buildings blow up before the shine wears off.

                The story is… nearly intelligible. It gets sidetracked periodically, and is way too bloated but I think this one made the most sense of the three.

                Some advice for Michael Bay and company. I can’t tell you enough how little we care about these characters. We want to see robots fighting and hot girls. Everything else is just parsley on the plate. So please stop using so much parsley! A sprig will do just fine.

                I don’t understand how Bay can so affectionately embrace his image as Hollywood’s oldest teenager and yet still refuse to just skip the useless attempts at character development in the “Transformers” movies.

                Just stick to what you’re good at Bay, indiscriminately blowing stuff up. Leave the character stuff for the pros. And for the love of all that is holy STOP making three hour long movies! You could chop at least an hour off of “Dark of the Moon” and not lose anything of value.

                On to the acting. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has ratcheted it up to 11 in this one.

LaBeouf does his usual, goofy, Corey Matthews circa latter day “Boy Meets World” nonsense, but this time he’s not alone.

John Malkovich AND Ken Jeong are both in this movie. That is a whole lotta crazy. And the thing is: Bay doesn’t seem to have any interest in reining in either one. He turns them loose on an unsuspecting movie going public, and waits to see who can chew the most scenery in the shortest amount of screen time.

                Neither hangs around very long, but I think Jeong’s paranoid schizophrenic edged out Malkovich’s excessive tan and OCD. By a hair.

                Even the Transformers are hamming it up. Many now sport silly haircuts and have outrageous Monty Python accents.

                What about newcomer Rosie Huntington-Whitelely? Critics haven’t been kind to her, saying outrageous things like: “She makes Megan Fox look like Judy Dench.”

                The truth is Rosie is NOT a good actress. But the part doesn’t call for one. Heck, Fox did it for two movies. All you have to do is stand around, look hot, pout and occasionally react to stuff.

                Rosie pouts and reacts just fine and she’s way hotter than Megan Fox. Plus she doesn’t have a raging personality disorder. Good trade.

 “Transformers 3” has its fair share of laughs. It loses the robot balls, racism and animal humping from part two and goes back to some real, honest comic relief. Aside from the nonstop over-the-top performances, a few of the smaller Autobots provide some chuckles here and there.

Even better: Sam’s parents are kept mostly in the background.  

            Lastly, it only took three movies, but finally Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson get to do stuff!

            “Dark of the Moon” is the “Citizen Kane” of Bay’s “Transformer” movies. Granted, that’s not saying very much considering the quality of the other films in the series. It’s still not very good and I would never, EVER sit through it again, but it could be worse. It could be “Transformers.” Or it could be even worse and be “Revenge of the Fallen.”  

            One question remains: What did you people do to the word “side?????”

            Well, that and why in the good goddamn did you cast Hugo Weaving and then give him almost nothing to do for three whole movies?

             Bumblebee tuna.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Credentials: 5.9 out of 10 (imdb.com)/20% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/35 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

                Nominated for 7 Razzie Awards: (Wins in BOLD) Worst Actress- Megan Fox (also for Jennifer's Body), Worst Supporting Actress- Julie White, Worst Screen Couple (Shia LaBeouf and either Fox or any Transformer) and Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel, Worst Picture, Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay.

Plot: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is just a normal kid with normal kid problems. He’s going away to college, about to embark on a long distance relationship with his girlfriend and his parents just don’t understand. You know, the usual. Oh did I mention that he’s also a key figure in a war between two clans of alien robots (not sure why but he is), his girlfriend is Megan Fox and he uses more spray tan and hair gel than the entire cast of “Jersey Shore?” Just an average, run-of-the-mill kid. Nothing to see here.

Thoughts: “Transformers 2” is in some ways, an actual improvement on part one. But in so many other ways it is an atomic bomb-sized step backwards.

            Let’s start off with the good. The action scenes.

Yes, almost all the robot characters still mostly look the same, especially the Decepticons. But now instead of just rolling around in a big, formless metal blobs, the characters actually fight each other.

There’s punching, kicking, sword-play and enough shooting to satisfy even the most blood thirsty of America’s youth.

And we’re not just talking about fun-loving PG-13 violence either. The kind of stuff our forefathers talked about. No, some of this stuff is pretty intense. Optimus Prime rips another robot’s face of with his bare metal hands for god’s sake.

Heck, by the end I was almost able to keep track of which Depecticon was Megatron (aka their leader). Sadly, that wasn’t the case for the titular Fallen character, who amazingly enough was NOT the only bearded robot in the movie.  

The story in the first film was follow-able. It didn’t make a ton of sense and it was full of plot holes (what did the glasses do exactly, other than nothing?) but it never lost me.

                The same isn’t true of the wildly, manically unfocused sequel.

                We waste the first 40 minutes sending Shia off to college, then his mom gets high on a pot-brownie, his dog humps another dog. All sorts of mindless junk that doesn’t need to be there.

                And then we spend the last 40 minutes watching Egypt blow up in super slow motion.

                What got us from the first 40 to the last 40, well I can only speculate about that.

                The story gets too big. New characters keep getting introduced, old ones keep coming back. No one dies so the already bloated cast just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

                It’s all just too much. Advice: Cut the first 40 minutes out of the movie. No one cares about Sam, his girl trouble or his pain-in-the-ass, makes Jar-Jar Binks seem tolerable by comparison parents.

                Not surprisingly, the acting doesn’t get any better the second time around. Shia is still in Disney Channel mode, although now he’s got a spray tan to go with his over-the-top mannerisms. He’s like The Situation without the abs or the drinking problem.

                Megan Fox still pouts and runs in slow motion, but she’s a little bit naggier now than before.

The onscreen chemistry between Fox and LaBeef has about as much sizzle as bowl of soggy Cheerios. So imagine my surprise today when I hear LaBeef talking about how they had a fling during filming.

What?! You two were actually bumping uglies and you still couldn’t act like a couple? How is that possible?! Kevin James and Adam Sandler made a more convincing couple than you two!

Also, Megan, a word please. Ahem. You’re married to Brian Austin Green and you’re cheating on him with the Beef?!? What’s with this harem of losers? Is your personality so bad the best you can do are these two? Wow. Let that be a lesson, kids. Looks really aren’t everything.      

Moving on: If you thought Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson were along for the ride in “Transformers,” wait until you see the historic levels of nothing they get up to in part two.

All in all, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a catastrophe. The story is nonsense, the acting is a joke, the action scenes are watchable, but go on way too long. I’ve never been more bored by explosions than I was somewhere around the 38^th minute of the explosive Egyptian battle. All of the comic relief from part one is gone, replaced with lots of leg-humping jokes. Classy.

If you’re still not convinced this movie sucked, consider this: painful racial stereotypes AND robot balls. In one movie. Need I say more?
Bumblebee tuna.

Transformers Week: Day 1

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Credentials: 5.9 out of 10 (imdb.com)/20% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/35 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

                Nominated for 7 Razzie Awards: (Wins in BOLD) Worst Actress- Megan Fox (also for Jennifer's Body), Worst Supporting Actress- Julie White, Worst Screen Couple (Shia LaBeouf and either Fox or any Transformer) and Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel, Worst Picture, Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay.

Plot: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is just a normal kid with normal kid problems. He’s going away to college, about to embark on a long distance relationship with his girlfriend and his parents just don’t understand. You know, the usual. Oh did I mention that he’s also a key figure in a war between two clans of alien robots (not sure why but he is), his girlfriend is Megan Fox and he uses more spray tan and hair gel than the entire cast of “Jersey Shore?” Just an average, run-of-the-mill kid. Nothing to see here.

Thoughts: “Transformers 2” is in some ways, an actual improvement on part one. But in so many other ways it is an atomic bomb-sized step backwards.

            Let’s start off with the good. The action scenes.

Yes, almost all the robot characters still mostly look the same, especially the Decepticons. But now instead of just rolling around in a big, formless metal blobs, the characters actually fight each other.

There’s punching, kicking, sword-play and enough shooting to satisfy even the most blood thirsty of America’s youth.

And we’re not just talking about fun-loving PG-13 violence either. The kind of stuff our forefathers talked about. No, some of this stuff is pretty intense. Optimus Prime rips another robot’s face of with his bare metal hands for god’s sake.

Heck, by the end I was almost able to keep track of which Depecticon was Megatron (aka their leader). Sadly, that wasn’t the case for the titular Fallen character, who amazingly enough was NOT the only bearded robot in the movie.  

The story in the first film was follow-able. It didn’t make a ton of sense and it was full of plot holes (what did the glasses do exactly, other than nothing?) but it never lost me.

                The same isn’t true of the wildly, manically unfocused sequel.

                We waste the first 40 minutes sending Shia off to college, then his mom gets high on a pot-brownie, his dog humps another dog. All sorts of mindless junk that doesn’t need to be there.

                And then we spend the last 40 minutes watching Egypt blow up in super slow motion.

                What got us from the first 40 to the last 40, well I can only speculate about that.

                The story gets too big. New characters keep getting introduced, old ones keep coming back. No one dies so the already bloated cast just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

                It’s all just too much. Advice: Cut the first 40 minutes out of the movie. No one cares about Sam, his girl trouble or his pain-in-the-ass, makes Jar-Jar Binks seem tolerable by comparison parents.

                Not surprisingly, the acting doesn’t get any better the second time around. Shia is still in Disney Channel mode, although now he’s got a spray tan to go with his over-the-top mannerisms. He’s like The Situation without the abs or the drinking problem.

                Megan Fox still pouts and runs in slow motion, but she’s a little bit naggier now than before.

The onscreen chemistry between Fox and LaBeef has about as much sizzle as bowl of soggy Cheerios. So imagine my surprise today when I hear LaBeef talking about how they had a fling during filming.

What?! You two were actually bumping uglies and you still couldn’t act like a couple? How is that possible?! Kevin James and Adam Sandler made a more convincing couple than you two!

Also, Megan, a word please. Ahem. You’re married to Brian Austin Green and you’re cheating on him with the Beef?!? What’s with this harem of losers? Is your personality so bad the best you can do are these two? Wow. Let that be a lesson, kids. Looks really aren’t everything.      

Moving on: If you thought Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson were along for the ride in “Transformers,” wait until you see the historic levels of nothing they get up to in part two.

All in all, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a catastrophe. The story is nonsense, the acting is a joke, the action scenes are watchable, but go on way too long. I’ve never been more bored by explosions than I was somewhere around the 38^th minute of the explosive Egyptian battle. All of the comic relief from part one is gone, replaced with lots of leg-humping jokes. Classy.

If you’re still not convinced this movie sucked, consider this: painful racial stereotypes AND robot balls. In one movie. Need I say more?
Bumblebee tuna.

Transformers Week: Day 1

Transformers (2007)

Credentials: 7.2 out of 10 (imdb.com)/57% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/61 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot: Two warring clans of alien robots travel to Earth to look for a cube that has the power to bring machines to life. Along the way they stumble across two of the world’s least interesting--- and certainly oldest-looking--- high school students: Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. With the two 10^th year seniors in tow, the good robots, or Autobots, prepare themselves for the final battle with their archrivals, the evil Decepticons.

The only thing less believable than Megan Fox falling for Shia the Beef is the word final in the previous sentence.

Thoughts: As you can tell by those credentials, the original “Transformers” held its own with critics way back in twenty aught seven. Of course, it was a simpler time then, almost primitive really and people were much easier to impress. Remember: This was PRE-“Dark Knight” after all. I’m not even sure we’d completely figured the wheel out back then.

                Another reason why “Transformers” didn’t get thrashed by critics the ways its sequel (“Revenge of the Fallen”) did in 2009?

 I think the film’s director Michael Bay had lowered expectations (Anyone remember “The Island”?) to the point that critics were stunned he could make something other than a crime against cinema.

   Make no mistake about it: “Transformers” is not good. It’s just not as bad as what we’d come to expect from Michael Bay at that point.       

                It’s a self-servingly long, bloated spectacle. Two hours and forty minutes for a movie based on kid's toys!?! Are you kidding me? Who green lit that idea?

                Now, look. I love the idea of robots fighting each other (I even liked “Terminator: Salvation”) and I have no problem with long movies. It’s just not every movie needs to push the three hour barrier.

                I’m going to skip over the actors for a second and go right to the special effects, because they are the real stars of “Transformers."

                I gotta say, maybe I’m just jaded but the effects didn’t blow me away like they did for some.

                The character designs for the extraterrestrial robotic leads were extremely lacking to the point where I had trouble telling who was who.

                All of the Decepticons were gray and two of them turned into airplanes, for god sakes. TWO! How in the world am I supposed to keep track of that?

                As for the Autobots, or as I knew them: Optimus Prime (red and blue with an irritating martyr complex), Bumblebee (yellow) and their neon colored sidekicks, things were a little better. At least I could pick two of them out of a police lineup.

                Can we talk about the fight scenes? It’s a bold move for an action movie to spend so little time on its action sequences. Sure, they’re big and loud and lots of stuff blows up, but very early on I discovered this pattern:

                Two robots run into each other, roll around in a shapeless metal blob for a bit, slam into a building, separate and repeat.

                That’s it. That’s all that happens. Once a fight starts, there’s no telling who is who, who’s winning or what’s going on. 
                It’s all very … boring. I can appreciate the spectacle of it all, but I just want a little more. Like, for example, to know what the heck it is I’m looking at.

                Sadly that brings us to the leading human element of the film.

                I’ve never been a Shia LaBeouf fan. His character, Sam, is an absolute chore. Sam’s not so much a real person as a Disney Channel interpretation of a real person. All of his quirks are ratcheted up to the nth degree. He’s an over the top dork who envisions himself as a ladies man. Sam would fit right in on an episode of “Hannah Montana,” as the annoying, but lovable cousin.

                Megan Fox pouts, bats her eyelashes and occasionally runs in slow motion. I think she had some lines in there somewhere, but I’m sure they weren’t of any consequence.

                I’m don't know where Megan Fox got her A-list Hollywood attitude from, because she does nothing in this movie to even qualify for a SAG card. She’s basically the film’s throw pillow. She’s there to look nice and then get out of the way when stuff starts to go down.

                Though she does pretend to be attracted to Shia the Beef, so I guess that counts for something.   

                Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson play soldiers. There is literally nothing more to say about either one.
                The movie has its fair share of laughs, mostly supplied by its supporting cast. Bernie Mac's sleeze ball used car dealer and Anthony Anderson's bumbling hacker are the highlights.
                There's some fun to be had with "Transformers," but not enough to ever justify watching it more than once.

                So there you have it! Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” Stay tuned tomorrow as “Transformers” Week continues with 2009’s “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

                Bumblebee tuna.

Transformers (2007)

Credentials: 7.2 out of 10 (imdb.com)/57% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/61 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

Plot: Two warring clans of alien robots travel to Earth to look for a cube that has the power to bring machines to life. Along the way they stumble across two of the world’s least interesting--- and certainly oldest-looking--- high school students: Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox. With the two 10^th year seniors in tow, the good robots, or Autobots, prepare themselves for the final battle with their archrivals, the evil Decepticons.

The only thing less believable than Megan Fox falling for Shia the Beef is the word final in the previous sentence.

Thoughts: As you can tell by those credentials, the original “Transformers” held its own with critics way back in twenty aught seven. Of course, it was a simpler time then, almost primitive really and people were much easier to impress. Remember: This was PRE-“Dark Knight” after all. I’m not even sure we’d completely figured the wheel out back then.

                Another reason why “Transformers” didn’t get thrashed by critics the ways its sequel (“Revenge of the Fallen”) did in 2009?

 I think the film’s director Michael Bay had lowered expectations (Anyone remember “The Island”?) to the point that critics were stunned he could make something other than a crime against cinema.

   Make no mistake about it: “Transformers” is not good. It’s just not as bad as what we’d come to expect from Michael Bay at that point.       

                It’s a self-servingly long, bloated spectacle. Two hours and forty minutes for a movie based on kid's toys!?! Are you kidding me? Who green lit that idea?

                Now, look. I love the idea of robots fighting each other (I even liked “Terminator: Salvation”) and I have no problem with long movies. It’s just not every movie needs to push the three hour barrier.

                I’m going to skip over the actors for a second and go right to the special effects, because they are the real stars of “Transformers."

                I gotta say, maybe I’m just jaded but the effects didn’t blow me away like they did for some.

                The character designs for the extraterrestrial robotic leads were extremely lacking to the point where I had trouble telling who was who.

                All of the Decepticons were gray and two of them turned into airplanes, for god sakes. TWO! How in the world am I supposed to keep track of that?

                As for the Autobots, or as I knew them: Optimus Prime (red and blue with an irritating martyr complex), Bumblebee (yellow) and their neon colored sidekicks, things were a little better. At least I could pick two of them out of a police lineup.

                Can we talk about the fight scenes? It’s a bold move for an action movie to spend so little time on its action sequences. Sure, they’re big and loud and lots of stuff blows up, but very early on I discovered this pattern:

                Two robots run into each other, roll around in a shapeless metal blob for a bit, slam into a building, separate and repeat.

                That’s it. That’s all that happens. Once a fight starts, there’s no telling who is who, who’s winning or what’s going on. 
                It’s all very … boring. I can appreciate the spectacle of it all, but I just want a little more. Like, for example, to know what the heck it is I’m looking at.

                Sadly that brings us to the leading human element of the film.

                I’ve never been a Shia LaBeouf fan. His character, Sam, is an absolute chore. Sam’s not so much a real person as a Disney Channel interpretation of a real person. All of his quirks are ratcheted up to the nth degree. He’s an over the top dork who envisions himself as a ladies man. Sam would fit right in on an episode of “Hannah Montana,” as the annoying, but lovable cousin.

                Megan Fox pouts, bats her eyelashes and occasionally runs in slow motion. I think she had some lines in there somewhere, but I’m sure they weren’t of any consequence.

                I’m don't know where Megan Fox got her A-list Hollywood attitude from, because she does nothing in this movie to even qualify for a SAG card. She’s basically the film’s throw pillow. She’s there to look nice and then get out of the way when stuff starts to go down.

                Though she does pretend to be attracted to Shia the Beef, so I guess that counts for something.   

                Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson play soldiers. There is literally nothing more to say about either one.
                The movie has its fair share of laughs, mostly supplied by its supporting cast. Bernie Mac's sleeze ball used car dealer and Anthony Anderson's bumbling hacker are the highlights.
                There's some fun to be had with "Transformers," but not enough to ever justify watching it more than once.

                So there you have it! Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” Stay tuned tomorrow as “Transformers” Week continues with 2009’s “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

                Bumblebee tuna.

Get ready for some explosions! 'Transformers' week kicks off on Monday!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011, my friends, will be a momentous day for followers of godawful cinema.

On that day, Michael Bay shall awaken from his two year long slumber and once again throttle moviegoers into a digital effects induced stupor with his unique brand of umm... "film making."

On that day, "Tranformers: Dark of the Moon" (actual title) explodes its way onto silver screens all across this little planet of ours.

And because I am a masochist, The Cheese List WILL be there to cover it... on Thursday! I'll be steering clear of movie theaters on Wednesday due to my crippling fear of people dressed up like giant shape-shifting robots. It's a real disease, look it up.

And what kind of party would it be if I didn't spend some time with the first two films in that epic saga.

That's why I present to you the...

 1st (and god willing last) Annual Cheese List

Transformers Week!

Here's what this ugly mess is going to look like:

• Monday, June 27- "Transformers" review posted
• Tuesday, June 28- "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" review posted
• Thursday, June 30- "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" review posted
• Friday, July 1- A very special edition of Five Low 

You can print that out and post it next to your bed if you'd like. I know that's what I'll be doing.

So there it is, an Earth-shattering announcement from your friends at The Cheese List. I'm not saying I just upstaged Flyers GM Paul Holmgren but... I pretty much just did. So unless Homer plans on trading Claude Giroux and James vanRiemsdyk for Rick Depietro, I think he can just consider himself thoroughly one-upped.

Tune in all week and hopefully I make it to Friday with my mind intact. You could literally be watching a daily update of my descent into madness. Should make for some compelling blogs, I'll tell you that.

Bumblebee tuna to all!

Get ready for some explosions! 'Transformers' week kicks off on Monday!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011, my friends, will be a momentous day for followers of godawful cinema.

On that day, Michael Bay shall awaken from his two year long slumber and once again throttle moviegoers into a digital effects induced stupor with his unique brand of umm... "film making."

On that day, "Tranformers: Dark of the Moon" (actual title) explodes its way onto silver screens all across this little planet of ours.

And because I am a masochist, The Cheese List WILL be there to cover it... on Thursday! I'll be steering clear of movie theaters on Wednesday due to my crippling fear of people dressed up like giant shape-shifting robots. It's a real disease, look it up.

And what kind of party would it be if I didn't spend some time with the first two films in that epic saga.

That's why I present to you the...

 1st (and god willing last) Annual Cheese List

Transformers Week!

Here's what this ugly mess is going to look like:

• Monday, June 27- "Transformers" review posted
• Tuesday, June 28- "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" review posted
• Thursday, June 30- "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" review posted
• Friday, July 1- A very special edition of Five Low 

You can print that out and post it next to your bed if you'd like. I know that's what I'll be doing.

So there it is, an Earth-shattering announcement from your friends at The Cheese List. I'm not saying I just upstaged Flyers GM Paul Holmgren but... I pretty much just did. So unless Homer plans on trading Claude Giroux and James vanRiemsdyk for Rick Depietro, I think he can just consider himself thoroughly one-upped.

Tune in all week and hopefully I make it to Friday with my mind intact. You could literally be watching a daily update of my descent into madness. Should make for some compelling blogs, I'll tell you that.

Bumblebee tuna to all!