Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Credentials: 5.9 out of 10 (imdb.com)/20% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com)/35 out of 100 (metacritic.com)

                Nominated for 7 Razzie Awards: (Wins in BOLD) Worst Actress- Megan Fox (also for Jennifer's Body), Worst Supporting Actress- Julie White, Worst Screen Couple (Shia LaBeouf and either Fox or any Transformer) and Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel, Worst Picture, Worst Director, and Worst Screenplay.

Plot: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is just a normal kid with normal kid problems. He’s going away to college, about to embark on a long distance relationship with his girlfriend and his parents just don’t understand. You know, the usual. Oh did I mention that he’s also a key figure in a war between two clans of alien robots (not sure why but he is), his girlfriend is Megan Fox and he uses more spray tan and hair gel than the entire cast of “Jersey Shore?” Just an average, run-of-the-mill kid. Nothing to see here.

Thoughts: “Transformers 2” is in some ways, an actual improvement on part one. But in so many other ways it is an atomic bomb-sized step backwards.

            Let’s start off with the good. The action scenes.

Yes, almost all the robot characters still mostly look the same, especially the Decepticons. But now instead of just rolling around in a big, formless metal blobs, the characters actually fight each other.

There’s punching, kicking, sword-play and enough shooting to satisfy even the most blood thirsty of America’s youth.

And we’re not just talking about fun-loving PG-13 violence either. The kind of stuff our forefathers talked about. No, some of this stuff is pretty intense. Optimus Prime rips another robot’s face of with his bare metal hands for god’s sake.

Heck, by the end I was almost able to keep track of which Depecticon was Megatron (aka their leader). Sadly, that wasn’t the case for the titular Fallen character, who amazingly enough was NOT the only bearded robot in the movie.  

The story in the first film was follow-able. It didn’t make a ton of sense and it was full of plot holes (what did the glasses do exactly, other than nothing?) but it never lost me.

                The same isn’t true of the wildly, manically unfocused sequel.

                We waste the first 40 minutes sending Shia off to college, then his mom gets high on a pot-brownie, his dog humps another dog. All sorts of mindless junk that doesn’t need to be there.

                And then we spend the last 40 minutes watching Egypt blow up in super slow motion.

                What got us from the first 40 to the last 40, well I can only speculate about that.

                The story gets too big. New characters keep getting introduced, old ones keep coming back. No one dies so the already bloated cast just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

                It’s all just too much. Advice: Cut the first 40 minutes out of the movie. No one cares about Sam, his girl trouble or his pain-in-the-ass, makes Jar-Jar Binks seem tolerable by comparison parents.

                Not surprisingly, the acting doesn’t get any better the second time around. Shia is still in Disney Channel mode, although now he’s got a spray tan to go with his over-the-top mannerisms. He’s like The Situation without the abs or the drinking problem.

                Megan Fox still pouts and runs in slow motion, but she’s a little bit naggier now than before.

The onscreen chemistry between Fox and LaBeef has about as much sizzle as bowl of soggy Cheerios. So imagine my surprise today when I hear LaBeef talking about how they had a fling during filming.

What?! You two were actually bumping uglies and you still couldn’t act like a couple? How is that possible?! Kevin James and Adam Sandler made a more convincing couple than you two!

Also, Megan, a word please. Ahem. You’re married to Brian Austin Green and you’re cheating on him with the Beef?!? What’s with this harem of losers? Is your personality so bad the best you can do are these two? Wow. Let that be a lesson, kids. Looks really aren’t everything.      

Moving on: If you thought Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson were along for the ride in “Transformers,” wait until you see the historic levels of nothing they get up to in part two.

All in all, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” is a catastrophe. The story is nonsense, the acting is a joke, the action scenes are watchable, but go on way too long. I’ve never been more bored by explosions than I was somewhere around the 38^th minute of the explosive Egyptian battle. All of the comic relief from part one is gone, replaced with lots of leg-humping jokes. Classy.

If you’re still not convinced this movie sucked, consider this: painful racial stereotypes AND robot balls. In one movie. Need I say more?
Bumblebee tuna.

Transformers Week: Day 1