*All names are changed
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I got off the plane and my parents and one of my close girlfriends Rachel, who'd also been there to see me off, met me at the gate. What I was completely unaware of at the time was that I'd gained weight. Like I said before I have a good metabolism and I can get away with a lot, but this was the first and only time in my life I was consuming far too many sugary alcoholic drinks and eating late at night after drinking. Let me tell you, if you follow this eating and drinking plan for too long you're not going to be happy with the results. With everything going on in my new life, I somehow hadn't noticed just how much weight I'd gained. Looking back on it now, my parents and Rachel must have been quite startled.
When I finally noticed was when I was back in my old room, going through all of the clothes I'd left behind and deciding what to take back to NYC and realizing nothing fit!
Oh my god! I was in panic mode. What was I going to do?! While I was home I clearly wasn't drinking and eating that way and I started doing one of my moms old workout tapes. Seeing pictures from our family Christmas eve party to this day makes me cringe. I can't believe I let things get so out of control.
By the time I went back to NYC although I wasn't quite as slender as I had been, I'd lost the majority of it.
During my break at home, I got a call from Mark. Of course. And just as predicted, he needed us to "just be friends". Whatever. That was fine with me. But the wishy washy behavior confused me. As I said earlier, he was a good 7 or 8 years older than me. I expected more mature behavior.
I can't remember too many details about that initial trip home, or flight back to NYC for the second semester.
The Guy was still on my mind but I was becoming scared. I didn't know what to do. My feelings hadn't gone away, but I wasn't sure what was going to happen from here or how to approach it. I became nervous all over again. Time had gone by since the party and nothing had progressed. What do I do? Chase him? Avoid him? I didn't know.
The next journal entry was the following.
Feb. 24
"Geez...I don't know why I don't write anymore. I feel as thought I'm losing the desire, but I don't want to. So many things...so many changes...maybe I don't write because I talk it out to my mom. Maybe I don't have the time. Maybe I'm tired. I don't know! Sometimes I sure wonder about me! I wonder about the people in my old life...or lives...how their journeys are unfoloding and how I wish sometimes to be one of the old Deena's. Which one would I be?
...sometimes just any Deena but all of a sudden on her own in a fast-huge-too-big-very-adult-world Deena. Anyway. Why am I running away from guys? Why? What's my problem? Am I so hurt? Am I so scared? Who has really hurt me? Who has truly scarred me? Does it have to do with emotion, sex, touch, trust, all of the above? What is it I'm so scared of getting or not getting? Maybe it's getting harder...but I'm not clicking with anyone. No, I could. If someone would give me the time and the patience! I could share myself but I have to make an effort as well. I have to try. I can't run away. I have to force myself. Well...I'm having issues with not even wanting to write. Maybe I'm turning into a thinker. A philosopher. If only I had it in me to write my journey."
Oscar and Jenny had become roomates! They were in Washington Heights and living with a girl who was dating a boy in his final year of school. That boy was non other than Jason Ritter, John Ritters son. He was so kind, unassuming, almost shy. I saw him often and saw him perform a number of times. He was always a funny and solid performer. He is still with the same girlfriend to this day.
My time in NYC would also lead me to have wonderful stories to tell about John Ritter, that's coming later.
At the beginning of fall, when I'd first started school, I remember walking behind a girl from another class who looked closer to my age. She was thin and cute and dressed fashionably. She represented to me the epitome of an NYC girl. I wanted to be friends with her. I was bummed that there weren't girls like this in my class. I wanted to meet more people my same age.
A new semester meant the chance to meet new people. The girl I'd been so impressed by, Lynne was in my class! At last! We became fast friends and she would soon prove to be a very big and important part of my story.
I also met a boy from another class in The Lounge who had red hair and was adorable. There was a bit of a flirtation, but mostly he was just incredibly nice. We got along, we could joke and be silly. We would draw funny little pictures. His name was Ned and he was in class with The Guy.
One day at school I got wind something was going on in an empty classroom that I needed to know about. I walked in and there against the wall were Martha and Jenny. Martha was consoling Jenny. She was crying and when I came in the room she cried harder and said something about how telling me what was going on was going to be the worst part.
Then she said the unthinkable. She was quitting school. What?! Jenny was leaving me?! How could this have happened? We were also finally in the same class and had even just been able to work on a scene together!
In the end, we all had our journeys. New York called each of us for one reason or another and her journey was taking her elsewhere. In the end this would turn out to be a positive thing. We would remain close and it became helpful and healthy for me to have a close friend outside of school, when I needed a break from school friends.
Meanwhile, I was working hard on a scene from "Golden Boy" in one of my classes. We had performed it already a time or two when we got big news.
The ATC was founded by William H. Macy and David Mamet. It was said Macy was a visitor to the school every other year or so. Mamet also came by at times. Well, this was one of those times. David Mamet would be coming in for a master class and some of the students would be performing scenes for him. The scenes were going to be chosen and posted. When the list went up, I anxiously and nervously looked.
Oh my god. Out of the conservatory first year students the only one chosen...was our Golden Boy.
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I want to say real quick how I've recently been in contact with Oscar again! We had yet to find each other on facebook and finally did. He stayed in NYC longer than I did and only recently did he leave. He's been working on a documentary about NYC. I was able to see the first two clips so far and it gave me chills. It made me emotional. It made me feel justified and a part of something truly special, sacred even. Only those who were there in that place and time truly know how it felt and how it shaped us for the rest of our lives. It made me feel understood, without words. Sometimes it does take this long to process. To find your way to form it, give it life and get it out. The synchronicity that we're both working on these projects at the same time is too much for me to put into words. But I've never felt so connected to something so profound.
Part 1: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind.html
Part 2: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/new-york-state-of-mind-part-ii.html
Part 3: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-3.html
Part 4: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-4.html
Part 5: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-5.html
Part 6: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/my-new-york-diaries-part-6.html
Part 7: http://beanerlarue.blogspot.com/2011/06/im-in-process-of-writing-my-story-of.html
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