As If We Had Never Done It Before

It is good to renew ourselves from time to time by closely examining the state of our souls, as if we had never done it before. For nothing tends more to the full assurance of faith than to keep ourselves by this means in humility and the exercise of all good works.

–John Wesley

 

The above quote from John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, reminds me again of what I hold so dear about the Methodist movement. Wesley was an amazing man and in so many ways a kindred spirit and fellow companion on my journey of life and faith.

Wesley was always seeking new ways to grow deeper in his love for God and for people. When most people would rather not take a good long hard look in the mirror at the state of their lives and souls, Wesley did this regularly. His covenant prayer and service called people to pause on their current path of faith and life, examine their relationships with God, renew their commitments to Christ, and seek to live more deeply for Christ in humility and service to him and the world.

For me, this is what I've been going through these past several days. It is a time for me to pause and really examine the state of my own heart and soul. It is not a crisis of faith or a time filled with doubt about God's existence or reality in my life. It is a time to shed those things that have become routine and comfortable and remind myself that I am called to take up my cross and follow Christ. It is a time to recommit myself to the work that is ahead. It is a time to remember who I am and Whose I am. It is a time to step out in faith even though I am really, really scared to do so.

So, that's where I am right now in my journey of faith and life. I am at a crossroads. I have been here before but it's never been this same crossroads. I am in a different place on my journey. This is a different time. As Wesley suggests, it is important for me to struggle in this through this time as if I ". . . had never done it before." While some of my fears and feelings of anxiety hang around me like old clothes that are too tight and I need to give away to the Goodwill, I still cling to them with a kind of nostalgic death grip. This exhausts me and causes my soul to feel weary, but it's so hard to let go.

So, while I'm still restless, I know that this restlessness is a gift. It causes me to examine myself and renew my devotion to the God of my creation. I hope and pray that on the other side of this restlessness lie "the full assurance of faith".

Thanks for being a part of my journey!