I Feel Like Quitting

I feel like quitting. No, I'm not talking about quitting my job. I feel like resigning from normal, everyday life. For it is normal, everyday life that seems to sweep in and catch me off guard and really bring me down. I was telling my friend Karen that I have had the strength to stand at someone's bedside who is dying in the hospital and offer hope and comfort and feel a sense of peace.  I seem to have the faith to endure major crises and shepherd people through very dark times in their lives; however, I can hardly stand the small inconveniences of life.
When I took the chaplain's class in Knoxville, I worked in the trauma unit in which I saw all kinds of blood, broken bones, and injuries and I was somehow able to remain fairly calm and collected. However, whenever I got lost in the hospital (which was very often) I nearly had a melt down. When I served in the local church, I felt I did some of my best ministry when there was a death and I was called to offer comfort to the family. I always seemed to have the words to say and knew when to sit and be quiet with people in their grief. However, one time I forgot my Bible at home and didn't realize it until I arrived at the funeral home. The funeral director couldn't scrounge up a Bible and I nearly had a panic attack. I hopped in the car for a high speed trip back to the parsonage. Thankfully one of the funeral home employees drove me in one of the funeral home cars. I think he drove most of the way above 80 miles per hour which only added to my anxiety.
Today was no exception. I took my car in to have a latch mechanism replaced. The sensor on the hatch door of my car kept going off and it would set my alarm off. One night it went off at about 11:30 PM. I'm sure my neighbors all loved this. So, for the past few weeks, I haven't been locking my car. Anyway, I picked my car up today from the repair shop, drove back to the office and pressed the remote lock button and nothing happened. I went into a panic. I couldn't believe that it did not work. I didn't have the time to take my car back today. I called the repair shop and the guy told me he couldn't tell me what was wrong without looking at it. I couldn't believe that he couldn't just figure it out from my description which was "It's not working." Hmm. I felt like I paid a whole bunch of money for nothing because I still couldn't lock my car. It drove home my basic belief that cars are a necessary evil and money pits. If I could live without a car I would.
Later in the day, I had another dentist appointment. I had to have a filling redone. It took only a few minutes and involved no pain because I've had a root canal on that tooth. I was under the impression that this procedure would not cost me anything because it was covered under my dental insurance. However, when I went to the check out counter, they told me I owed them money. I said that I thought that it was all covered under my insurance. They basically said that this was not routine preventative treatment and I would have to pay them money today. Uggg! I was mad at the dentist for not telling me this before I had the procedure. I was mad at the insurance company for a policies that benefit insurance company share holders and executives. I was most of all mad at myself for not reading my insurance benefits policy more closely.
After paying a bunch of money to have my car fixed and more money to have my tooth fixed, I wanted to yell out to everyone in the dentist office waiting room "Would anyone else like any money from me today? Here, just take my debit card and drain my account! Why do I need any money anyway? Take it all!" Thankfully, I kept my wits and didn't do this but it sure would have felt good to vent a bit. So, I guess it's helping to vent all of this to you through this blog.
It's the normal stuff of life that puts me over the edge. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. It's the way I'm wired. I hate this about myself. It exhausts me. I have made some slight changes and I feel like I'm not as bad as I once was but it feels like I haven't made much progress at all. I pray for God's help with this and I still live with anxiety about stupid stuff. I remember Jesus' words to consider the lilies of the field and the birds and trust in God in all things. However, most days I fail miserably at this. Today was no exception.
I'm tired from the day's events and I am not long from bed. I feel like quitting but I guess I'll rest tonight and give it another try tomorrow. The good news is that tomorrow is a new day and another chance to be faithful to the God Who loves me and sustains me and will never let me go.
Thanks for being a part of my journey!