My Life Feels So Disorganized

My life feels so disorganized, Holy Spirit. It seems as if everything around me is piling up. It’s not just the drawers that need reorganizing, the kitchen that needs cleaning, or the heap of stuff in the garage that needs sorting—it’s everything:



my daily schedule crammed full of tasks,


my house crying out for a major cleaning


my office with the overflowing in box and stacks of junk—


even my relationships are disorganized.


I feel disjointed, out of control, out of touch.


Bring order into my life. Help me sort through all the things around me.


Help me see what needs to be kept,


what needs to be thrown away,


and what needs to be changed. . . .


O Holy Spirit, even as I say this, I feel fear. I know that things need to change. I know, deep in my heart, that my life’s disorganization is symptomatic of a deeper disorganization.
I need your gentle breeze to blow through my spiritual life. I need your strong wind to sort through the stacks of issues I don’t want to face. I need your quiet presence as I deal with the unspoken prayers, the unfulfilled desires, the unrecognized emotions I have hidden away.
Holy Spirit, come now, in this moment, and in the recesses of my heart, begin the process of organization. Begin to sweep out the dark corners, sift through the crammed closets, and blow through all my dark places. May you blow through my life every day. Through your power, bring order into all the chaos around me. Amen.

- Patricia Wilson, Quiet Spaces

The prayer above was a part of my e-devotional this morning. It was the perfect prayer for me to pray at the start of my day. While I don't have a garage that is full of stuff, everything else pretty much hits the mark. While I have learned some tips along the way to help myself make better use of my time, I still am not an organized person in so many ways.
This disorganization carries over into my relationships. Too often I feel like I am not a very faithful friend, son, brother, uncle, co-worker, or church member. I coast a lot and allow others to carry my relationships too much. I tell myself I don't have the time or resources or some other lame excuse. The truth is, I get lazy and I don't want to make the kinds of accommodations that being in relationship means for me.
There is no relationship that this is more true than in my relationship with God. I am pretty much a weasel when it comes to my relationship with God. I don't want to be inconvenienced or have to go out of my way to live out my faith. I want to always take the easy path. Heaven forbid that I should really take up my cross and follow Jesus. That certainly wouldn't work into my schedule.
The good news in all of this is that God is a God of unending patience and grace. God is always a faithful Father and Friend. God is always ready to listen. God is always calling my name. God continues to call me to a kind of perfect order in my life that is centered around Jesus. In spite of my disorganization and selfish behavior and foolishness, God still loves me with a love that will never let me go. Into my chaos, God blows fresh winds of forgiveness and mercy.
Thanks be to God!
Thank you for being a part of my journey!

Busy

We are busy, each of us, and together we all of us are doing various things in our various congregations, but all that holy activity, church busyness and business, may carry and keep us far from the Holy One. If we are not careful we will be like Martha in the kitchen — doing so many things for Jesus, so we suppose, that we do not have time to be with Jesus. We will not be alert to what Jesus is already at work doing for, in, and among us — and we may wind up estranged from our brothers and sisters.

- Thomas Steagald, Shadows, Darkness, and Dawn

This e-devotional really resonated with me when I read it. I was there. I was all about church busyness and church business and I felt on many days very far from the Holy One. I don't believe that God was far from me but I feel as if I was working so hard in the name of Jesus that I didn't really have time for Jesus.
During this time I did everything I was "supposed to" do. I prayed. I read and studied the Scriptures. I had an active worship life. I fasted. I tithed. I went on spiritual retreats. I participated in a Christian accountability group. I filled my schedule with all of this stuff, yet on so many days, I felt alone and weary.
While there were a whole lot of other things going on with me during that time, one of the things that I think I didn't do enough was just spend time being with Jesus. Ironically, it was only by stepping away from all of that church work that caused me to really understand what was going on in my relationship with Jesus.
I'm still learning about what it means to just be present to Jesus. What I have come to know is that I could only have learned some of the lessons I have learned by being busy with church work. If I didn't have those experiences, I would not be able to learn about what it means to live without all of that busyness and business. I also know that in all of this, God has allowed me to grow as a person and as a Christian in some truly amazing and grace-filled ways. As challenging and confusing and frustrating as it sometimes is, I give God thanks for this path.
Thanks for being a part my journey!

X Marks the Spot