Guitar Girl By: Abi Dube
The cracked and dirtied mirror revealed a face to be the same as it had been my entire life. Something had to be different. I looked deep into the hollows of my eyes. I leveled it was as if some stranger had stepped into my skin- the bones and flesh exactly the same but the personality on the inside, the brain or very soul was an alien, a foreigner in its own body. I broke off the starring match with the girl on the other side of the mirror. I steadied myself on the cheap yellow linoleum sink. I close my eyes and sucked in heaps of pungent bathroom air through my nose. I let out shaky breathes that match the buzzing of the lights overhead as the only sound being emitted from the whole bathroom. Just me and the lights. Me and the lights. Oh god what the hell was I doing? My intestines are tied in a never-ending pretzel and I wasn’t sure if I was standing on the floor or on the ceiling. The whole world seems to be backwards – right is wrong and wrong is right. The only things for sure were the cold faded tile on my spine as I sank lower and lower to the ground until my butt touched the floor and I was in a crouching position- the kind they tell you to do when there’s a tornado, my head on my knees, my arms the great wall of China protecting me from predators that may lurk about. Deep breath. In. Out. Was it even worth it anymore? Even now with people who finally understood me, I still felt alone. One of a kind. After how many years had we been doing this, and I was still mistaken for a roadie, or a singer? How many more until the sexist fans got it? I was a GUITAR PLAYER – a pretty darn good one too! I was in this band and for now (probably….?) I wasn’t leaving.
My name is Punk Rose. I am in the band Malicious Eh, and I am in a crisis right now. I, like my name, used to believe that both hard-core uniqueness and peace could co-exist in the music world, but that was before all of this. Before their doubt in me spread like wild fire and I doubted myself as well. Now my life seems to be boiling down to one important decision, and it’s not mine to make. It’s been four years since Malicious Eh was born. I’m 21, in a pit-stop bathroom, seriously thinking about quitting the one thing in the whole world I loved with all my heart. Making, evolving, and creating music. I had always been in love with music- Alternative, Rock’ N’ Roll, Punk, you name it. Guitar solos and lyrics that had me drinking in every word would put any band at the very top of my all-time favorite list. One day I woke up, and I knew just as sure as the sun would rise that I wanted to play guitar. Every aspect of me knew 100% the pathway I was going to take in life. I wanted to create music that I poured my heart and soul into. I knew I wanted to pose with my band members for AP magazine and inspire a new generation of girls to blaze their own trail, step outside of what the status-quo commanded them to be and be who they wanted to be. Malicious Eh got the fame. Malicious Eh created mind blowing music. I created huge waves of outrage due to equality being stuck somewhere in the 1800s – 1930s when women were actually considered people and when women weren’t allowed to vote. Then women were always struggling to be equal and to accomplish whatever they wanted to accomplish, not to be forced to have baby after baby. Imagine, your whole life planned ahead of you by your fathers and elders before you were even born! Boys destined to be great from birth, Girls doomed from the start. Girls were destined to fail, all because some snotty nosed busy-body decided right from wrong, this and that. Now we may say we’re free and totally equal, but we are owned by the propaganda out there. We are muzzled, we do what the media sets as the norm. Never fully understanding the fine line the media is walking between fake and reality. Constantly being herded. Sit. Don’t be rough. Be rough. Be flirty. Be stupid. Listen, listen, listen. Blah, blah, blah. Are we no better than sheep? My breath caught in my throat as I remembered the deal I made with Dan – if our third album wasn’t accepted within the music world, exposing our artistic side, I would leave. It’s no secret I’m in the way of Malicious Eh’s success and popularity. I don’t want to go on making music for 20 or so odd years getting nowhere because the world can’t handle me for whom I am. It’s all or nothing. I feel like an empty shell of a person. All hollow and filled with air, nothing else. I should be spending Malicious Eh’s most likely last hours with my band mates or working on some sort of statement breaking the news to our few most loyal fans, the ones that actually care and see what we’re trying to communicate with our music. It’s over. We’re done. We had fun while it lasted but in the end the sexism of our peers outweighed equality. I am done with trying and constantly proving ourselves. We’ve got amazing stuff that deserves to be listened to- I don’t want to hold them back. Dan, Craimer and James have immense raw talent that deserves to be recognized, as much as their dedication towards making quality music. It hurts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I’m preparing to leave everything I love behind. I love Dan and Craimer and James. I love all of them. I love the loyal fans. I love all that Malicious Eh stands for. I love our music that we jammed for hours on, perfecting; creating the soul image we wanted. I love smashing old guitars on stage and pie-ing my band members off stage. I love the memories with them. Most of all I loved living the dream with them. Malicious Eh was formed by the four of us. The four of us who found each other and gelled. We all completed one in another in ways words cannot capture. A bit like a long lost family, coming back together after so many years of searching. It took us until we were 15 to be united. I’ve reasoned with Dan (and myself) that they deserve so much more. I can’t afford to be selfish if it means costing them bigger and better futures. Even if it’s without me. We all poured our hearts into our music only to be stomped and shredded to pieces. Humiliated for being kids. Nowhere to turn. We only had Malicious Eh as a sanctuary. This is our last stand. Malicious Eh hangs in the very balance of a few people giving us a chance to prove ourselves worthy, only judging us by our music and what we sound like.
Just as soon as I’ve calmed myself down, the women’s bathroom door bangs open and my band mates rage in. Craimer pulls me up off the grungy ground and envelopes me in a stranglehold that I believe is supposed to be a hug.
“Where the hell have you been? We’ve been freaking out!” James says exasperated, his eyes fixated on me as if I might disappear into thin air if he looked away.
“Umm I’ve been right here in this women’s public washroom….” I reply, trying to lighten the worried expressions they all wore.
“C’mon Rosie be serious with us! We thought you went out and ruined your new found status! Thank god you were… camping out in a washroom…” I ease out of Craimer’s bear hug…
“What? What did you say? New found status… since when?”
“No… wait… you haven’t heard!?” James finally lights up, “Ha! You really don’t know do you? Wow… Craimer you aren’t the last one to know she’s made the top 100!” I shoot James my most infuriated glance but it’s hard when the guy lives and breathes comedy any possible moment of the day.
“All right… I can’t keep anything from you, can I??!! Are you prepared, because you should brace your-”
“James I spent the better part of today in a public washroom isolated from the world. I’m prepared. Now would be the time, trust me!”
“Your number ten on the all-time top guitarist charts!” Craimer blurts out, unable to hold it in from me any longer.
“You mean the top 100 of… ever… out of Smashing pumpkins and Rage Against The Machine… ever? First female, in history, to receive that kind of ranking!?” They were right. I wasn’t prepared for that kind of news. I was dumfounded and shocked.
“Yah…”
“And guess what else?”
“You brought me Ice-cream to celebrate?” I ask, wondering what else James has to share.
“Yeah… No. Way better… our album sold just over 500 hundred thousand worldwide!!!” What?
Both Craimer and James burst out laughing from my expression. They yell and laugh, suddenly bubbly and uncontainable. They high-five. I would join them if I wasn’t drowning in all of the emotions that had suddenly erupted inside me. Relief and happiness flooded me. I wasn’t going to leave all that I loved behind. All at once the empty shell is restored back to a living, breathing human being. Finally I am me again, I have made it by doing what I love, I’ve made it. Relief wins and I break. Tears stream down my face, hot and fresh, creating rivers from my eyes down to the tip of my chin. Dan. He’s here! The both of us know I won’t have to leave. The both of us know the deal was stupid, made as an easy way out when times were difficult. I feel so light I could float away, the world righting itself again. Dan and I meet half way and embrace.
“That deal was so stupid. I hate myself for agreeing to lose you if things didn’t turn out.”
“Don’t be.” I say, “The past is the past. Besides don’t be downer, Dan. We’re supposed to be celebrating!”
As if someone flipped a switch on, we were Malicious Eh again. We were living. We had finally awoken into our true selves after all that had happened. All of the losses and vicious attacks against us made our victory that much sweeter.
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