Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Credentials: 15% Certified Rotten (rottentomatoes.com) / 1.9 out of 10 (Imdb.com)

Plot: Actual Netflix description: “When sexy model Nathalie (Whitney Moore) and software guru Rod (Alan Bagh) head to a motel for an afternoon tryst, they are attacked by a flock of savage exploding eagles and other birds of prey in the first wave of an all-out avian war against humanity.” Oh thank god she’s a sexy model. I’m so tired of being burned by unattractive models in movies. Better summary: Lingerie model Natalie (don't need the "h") and her horribly awkward and unfathomably lucky boyfriend are menaced by a flock of irritatingly loud birds who occasionally explode. Later the confounding couple are savagely beaten over the head with a metric ton of environmentalist literature.

Thoughts: “Birdemic: Shock and Terror” is like watching a double feature of “An Inconvenient Truth” and “The Happening” with Fran Drescher laughing into your ear for the last half hour. If Al Gore got really, really drunk and was severely concussed, he’d probably come up with something similar to the script of “Birdemic.”      

                Honestly, that doesn’t even do it justice. There are really no words that can properly describe what an astonishing mess this movie is, but I shall do my best.

                Despite its place in the title and prominent mention in the plot summary, the “Birdemic” doesn’t actually take place until very late in the movie. Somewhere around the 45 minute mark. (I can’t say for sure because the “Birdemic” DVD doesn’t bother with time stamps)

                I hope for all of their sakes, the people in this movie were just friends of writer/director/producer James Nguyen. May god have mercy on their souls if they actually consider acting as a possible career path. I appreciate following a dream, but accept your limitations people. You don’t see me trying out for the Pussycat Dolls, do you?

                The most notorious member of this murderer’s row of horrific acting is Alan Bagh, who is sadly our leading man. Bagh is a robot. There's simply no doubt about it. He has the uncanny ability to make walking down the street appear unnatural. In fact, the only thing more awkward than his walking (or talking or general existence) is his dancing, which we’re also forced to endure.   

                To be fair to the actors, Nguyen’s script contains some of the most stilted dialogue ever put to paper. (At one point Bagh says: “I think you’ll look great in those lingerie.”) Still, it’s called acting guys. You don’t need to read every single typo on the page right? Who are you Ron Burgundy?

                Anyway, the dialogue itself is bad enough, but editor Kim Chow makes it worse with her insane habit of letting scenes linger way too long. The end result goes something like this: Start on shot of guy. “Hi my name is Rod.” One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Cut to girl. “Hi I’m Nathalie!”

                Another weird production flaw occurs when the characters head outside. Their dialogue often gets drowned out by heavy winds blowing into the microphone. No one thought about fixing that in post?

                For a while “Birdemic” teeters into the “so horribly bad it’s hilarious” territory of “The Room.” But then the actual bird attack comes along and ruins everything.

                The last act is borderline unwatchable due to the horrible, endless screeching sounds the winged villains make. I actually had to mute my computer a few times because the high-pitched shrieks were upsetting my dog.

                The effects that bring the birds to life are only marginally worse than the ones featured in the old Nintendo game “Duck Hunt.”                       

                One more script problem: The characters seem to have only a passing fear of the killer birds, once even wandering into the middle of a huge field to have a picnic. There are exploding birds on the loose and you’re having a picnic?!

Lastly, ham-handed doesn’t even begin to describe the movie’s eco message. Characters make senseless statements like: I’m not worried about the birds (which explode, did I mention that?), I’m worried about global warming!

                They’re called priorities you idiots! Deal with the killer birds first and THEN worry about global warming!

Breakdown (No time stamps because the DVD sucks)

--- Hmmm… I’ve never heard of a “Supporting Casts” credit before…

--- What do you mean you caught the big fish, Bagh? Does it still count as “catching” if you have to bribe it with a 50% discount?

--- "So you’re a cat’s lover?" Hang on. Did Nguyen type this script with his feet or did Bagh’s character just accuse the girl of bestiality?

--- I’m confused, does her mom want her to be a real estate agent or a gold digger?

--- You’re literally a millionaire! You own a huge house! So why the heck are you bringing your lingerie model girlfriend to a sleazy motel to get it on?

--- If only this movie had someone get killed by acidic bird pee… oh wait! Cross that one off the list.

--- Wow… these kids just watched their parents get eaten by eagles, but give them a PSP and some Band-Aids and they’re good to go

Video Evidence

Yeah, the whole thing is this bad

The clapping was not doctored in any way. That's how it was edited in the movie.

I forgot about the ear-splitting soundtrack

CUT! For the love of god cut!

And now for a word or two on "Birdemic: Shock and Terror" from our friends at RiffTrax!

                And so there it is: “Birdemic: Shock and Terror.” Bumblebee tuna.