Today is friday. I've been down & out with the flu from Sunday until, well, this morning. Every time I've gotten sick I really push it and want to be right back up & at it as soon as I possibly can. Which is always too soon. I wouldn't say I get sick a lot...but...I kinda get sick a lot ;) At least once or twice real good a year. Compared to those that just seem to never get anything.
I haven't had the actual stomach flu like that since elementary school. Good lord it's brutal. I'll spare the details, but it was bad. I wouldn't wish that action on my worst enemy bad.
I'm trying to really pay attention and listen to my body and I'm learning much better what I can and can't physically do. I've learned that I just don't bounce back from being sick easy. In fact, I spent monday and tuesday on the couch or in bed. Honestly, I could barely stand without thinking I was going to pass out. I've had no appetite and I've been exhausted.
Every day I thought I'd be able to jump up and go to zumba. But I just couldn't. This time I didn't risk anything. I stayed in until this mornings two hour zumbathon. I took it pretty easy, too.
I'm proud of myself for not fighting it for once, even if I did spend my final free week in my pajamas, watching tv.
At least I'm ready and able to properly celebrate New Years Eve with friends and champagne tonight!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Friday, December 31, 2010
A Covenant Prayer
I invite you to pray with me this Covenant Prayer as we prepare to ring in the New Year:
I am no longer my own, but thine.
Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.
Put me to doing, put me to suffering.
Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or brought low for thee.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.
And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
thou art mine, and I am thine.
So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth,
let it be ratified in heaven.
Amen.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Good Trip to Indy
I had a good trip to Indianapolis today to meet my friend Neil for lunch. I managed to miss the early morning earthquake that hit north central Indiana near Kokomo. I did run into some rain on the way there but by the drive home it was sunny and rather warm for the end of December.
It was so good to see Neil again. We attended Ball State University at the same time and met through our involvement in the Wesley Foundation Campus Ministry. I got to meet his two boys and got a quick tour of his church. We caught up with one another's lives and we had a nice lunch together.
One of the blessings of 2010 has been reconnecting with friends from my past. I am ever grateful to God for allowing our paths to cross.
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
It was so good to see Neil again. We attended Ball State University at the same time and met through our involvement in the Wesley Foundation Campus Ministry. I got to meet his two boys and got a quick tour of his church. We caught up with one another's lives and we had a nice lunch together.
One of the blessings of 2010 has been reconnecting with friends from my past. I am ever grateful to God for allowing our paths to cross.
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
2010 Review! Big year, big changes!
New Years Eve is one of my favorite celebrations. Even though when the clock strikes midnight, nothing profound or life changing happens in that instant, it's nice to feel that "clean slate feeling" that comes with a new year. I started this blog at the end of 2008 and here we are, gearing up for year three. A lot has changed in those few years, and in the last year alone. 2010 was nothing short of ginormous. There's gonna be a lot to this blog post, so let's start with a little 2010 recap.
MODELING:
I shot my first centerfold for a magazine!
Sunday Slacker is a new pinup magazine based in Las Vegas who approached me to be their #3 issue centerfold.
They later asked to use a picture from a Fresh Peaces Swimwear suit for issue #5.
sundayslacker.com
I shot for Fresh Peaces Swimwear, located in California. The photos were displayed in their store & on their mailers.
I got to do some awesome runway this year and walk for designers I'd never walked for before.
Art Meets Fashion was huge and lovely and I got to wear two looks (one was a vintage swimsuit) by McKell Maddox
A month or two later was The Girly Show put on by The Hive Gallery where I got to walk in a Krista Nielson swimsuit and a vintage wedding dress by Betsy Barker.
You may think I'm okay wearing anything in front of anyone at anytime. This is almost completely true. However, I don't care who you are, wearing a swimsuit on a runway is big. It was a way bigger deal to me than a burlesque performance, a photo shoot in something barely there or even onstage nudity. I'm proud of myself, can check that one off the list and we'll see if that ever happens again. Ha ha.
I had a moment where I was ready to quit pinup. Pinup definitely found me. I did not seek it out. I found I had quite a knack for it and this year, more than ever I was asked to shoot pinup. I never want to be pigeon holed so for a little bit I was turning things down. Then I realized I can't escape it, it comes super easy and it's super fun. I want to do it all while I can, so I gladly gave back in!
Tami of RubySnap (formerly My Dough Girl) Cookie shop asked me to be her December pinup so my picture was in her store the month of December and "my cookie" The Noelle, was truly the best cookie I'd ever had in my life!
I did another Pinups for Pups event, a little fashion show fundraiser and this time my very own pup, Noodles got to walk the runway and get some adorable pics with me. Anytime I can involve him in anything is special to me. I even got to wear the fancy and beautiful little chihuahua necklace that my dad got me earlier this year.
I did some of my favorite photo shoots ever this year and met more photographers, make up artists and hair stylists that are not only talented as can be, but now new friends.
The beginning of the year I found myself in Vegas modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. Not only was the wardrobe, hair and makeup stunning, but I got to see old friends who live in Vegas that I hadn't seen in years.
Footage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p-DZFJ-4HA
IN Magazine. They are so fantastic there. I modeled for SLC's first Fashion Week issue in the spring, then got on the cover for Halloween as Wonder Woman! I've been on covers before, but never by myself. That was pretty special for me.
THEATRE & FILM:
Did you know...that I have done at least two plays a year for over ten years?
With the exception of my first year of training in NYC when we weren't allowed to audition while we were re-learning / learning a new technique.
2010 will be one of the most precious to me, if not the most, in terms of acting.
I was asked to do the first ever reading of "The Persian Quarter" at SLAC, as well as a reading for Plan B's Script in Hand series.
I made my Plan B debut and couldn't have asked for a better role. Sor Juana in the world premiere of "Amerigo" was a beautifully written role and I savored every minute.
I also did two things I'd yet to do. Plan B's Banned/Slammed. I was an actor in one of the 10 minute plays. Got there at 9am was performing by 7pm. Talk about adrenaline rush.
The other was going to a town I'd never heard of. Helper, UT to perform in a reading of a new play at a theatre there. After getting over the fact that I would have to live in a co-ed building and share a bathroom...performing the piece was actually very fun.
Hair. Oh my god. Hair. You know those experiences that are so special once it's over you kinda tuck it away, and can't really talk about it to those who weren't directly involved? That was Hair. I lived it, and my experience was this: I felt extremely lucky every minute to be playing my dream role, Sheila, in my favorite musical. I almost never got over that it was real. That I got to do it. My costume was exactly what I always envisioned. When Heidi came to my house for a fitting I couldn't believe it. I hadn't said anything...and there it was. All I ever wanted was to sing "Good Morning Starshine" on stage. I can't believe I got to. I got to work with my husband again. No matter what anyone things, that doesn't get me an automatic in. He doesn't have all the say as musical director. I still auditioned, and was actually thought of for another role in the beginning. It's quite amazing when my love and I get to be on stage together. It doesn't happen often, I never know when it could be the last time. Again, I felt extremely lucky (it was his dream show as well, to musically direct and play drums on) and there we were. Not only that but it's the theatre where we met. I was working on one of two equity guest artist contracts. They didn't have to use me. They did. I never took the opportunity or experience for granted. It could not have happened to a more appreciative actress. The cast was perfect. I got to work opposite my Freddy Lee who I adore, and it marked musical #3 for us. I've never in my life experienced that kind of an opening night, and a closing night. Again, I lived it. So did those who were a part of it. We may be the only ones to truly understand it. To say it was a profound experience is an understatement. We are forever bonded.
The above photo just might be my favorite photo of me of all time. Did you know that I don't usually like photos of myself smiling ? But this one is capturing a moment. So much joy on my face, I've never seen anything like it. Pretty amazing.
FOOTAGE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67zcFvDWXSY
*Phew*
I booked more gigs through the year with my agents than ever before. While being on set is exhausting I really do love it. I hope to do more of it!
I auditioned and was cast in "Persian Quarter" at Salt Lake Acting Co. over the summer and am now just four days away from starting rehearsals.
I celebrated my three year YouTube anniversary.
KUTV2 Morning Show. This was incredible. Because of YouTube, they found me and had me on as various characters. First as little Miss Honey bee interviewing Edward and Jacob look a likes at the New Moon premiere here, another character, Jan where they had me all over the place! I was doing the weather, the traffic, you name it and I did it that day! I was also a Sarah Palin impersonator. Then I was asked to fill in for Casey as a feature reporter for three days! One day was with roller derby girls, another with Keith Bryce, then at a RV toy shop. I absolutely love Ron, Mary, Debbie and Casey. What great people!
FOOTAGE:
Filling in, Keith Bryce interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jZqIvvGXY0
Sarah Palin in Utah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08DDqGwJleg
Jan on the news: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTFtpJsArgc
Honey Bee w/Edward & Jacob:
1.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmHw-Ce7NUc
2.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUez6OYpDz0 and
3.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jgraC1YlWA
BURLESQUE:
There were three Voodoo Darlings Burlesque performances this year, the beginning of the years was the Rat Pack Revue at Fort Douglas. I took it easy on this one. I was literally just up from surgery and was determined to do it. Libertease for Jake Shannon (Sondra's husband, Sondra runs Pinpus for Pups and Jake is the one who hypnotized me...if you've seen that video) to raise money for his run for congress. This one was at studio 27 and was a fun little routine and a good excuse to wear my Victoria Secret flight attendant costume! Last but not least was our first Halloween show, at Fort Douglas. I did my Ludo's Love me Dead routine. This was the third time over the last few years and it's one of my favorites.
By the way...for those of you not in the burlesque scene that may not be sure what goes on or why I do it, here's your answer. I either do a funky dance routine, often with some humor or my routine is old school. Prancing around, slowly removing gloves, etc. A cutesy smile on my face the entire time. Think Michael Jackson's bad, or Madonna's Like a Virgin. I usually have a lot of accessories I remove throughout dropping the main pieces at the very end of the song. Panties, bra. Yes, there has been pasties once or twice. But almost always it's no more than a gal in a swimsuit. Why? I'm no prude, for starters. I've never been one to feel self conscious about the human body, nudity, etc. And what it boils down to is this. One day when I'm a wrinkly old granny I'm gonna love to have pictures to look back at and say, "Damn. Granny had it goin' on!" ;)
ZUMBA:
October 1 2010 was my first zumba class and I was addicted. I have never worked out. I have never enjoyed it. But it's true that you have to find your own personal workout and what's fun to you. I never feel like I have to do it or that it's work. I'm totally in love with it. In fact, I haven't been this in love with something in years and years.
FRIENDS:
Big changes this year. Rekindled with a long lost friend and realized how important that was and how I don't hold grudges like I always claimed. Taught me a lot about the power of forgiveness and put the really important people in my life in perspective. I felt it was better for me to distance myself from other friends that I felt like I kept supporting and really giving to but just wan't getting it back. I got together with some of my oldest friends in the world and it was magical. I spent more time with other friends and grew even closer with them. I made new friends. I feel very fulfilled in the friendship department. I wish no ill will on anyone, I'm not out to make an enemy. I'm out to surround myself with those who truly care about me and who give equal loyalty and love.
MY SWEETHEART:
This topic I don't seriously delve into too often on the web. If you know us, you know it's pretty magical for us.
We just celebrated our 6th christmas together. I don't know how I ever got on without him.
* * * * * * * * * *
I've said it before & I'll say it again. I don't believe in making new years resolutions. One of my favorite quotes that plays in my head regularly is from the movie Vanilla Sky, "every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around".
People put too much pressure on New Year resolutions, they set the impossible, expecting a life makeover and inevitably fail. We can make a change at any day, at any time, no matter how big or small. And it doesn't have to be everything at once.
So. What have I learned in this last year? This year full of things I thought I'd never do, always wanted to do, learned I could do? I learned that nothing is impossible, that's for sure. And that, "that which doesn't kill you, makes you...well...not dead" ;)
I also felt myself slip into a strange place I'd never been. A place of extreme doubt and sensitivity at times. I lost my adolescent "I don't care what you think" attitude and became a sensitive woman, I suppose. I didn't lose my confidence or my belief in myself, but I found my feelings hurt a lot and found it hard to cope with it. I'm still processing that. Perhaps I wrapped my entire identity up in the performing me the last few years, and needed a reminder that it's healthier for me to keep *me* separate from that. When I remember to do that, I feel balanced again.
I learned more than ever how literally I take everything, which just means I'm going to end up more hurt than someone who might not. If someone makes plans with me, says they'll do something, wants to meet, etc. whatever it is...I believe it. When things fall through, I don't understand.
I put myself out there. In all I do. No matter who says they don't care what anyone thinks, at the end of the day we are all only human and judgements and insults and opinions and assholes can weigh heavy. Especially considering how much I do.
The more you do, the more you risk, the more you're judged.
But I'll never apologize for my art.
My favorite word ever is BRAVE. Thanks, Robert Bella, a teacher in NYC who had a big impact on me, for teaching me the true meaning of that word. No matter what I do in my life, I will never let fear hold me back. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear in general. I will always be brave.
I'm tattooing that on my arm one of these days.
People truly forget (when you're in the public eye, or a performer) that you're a real person with feelings, families, a life etc. They think you're just there to entertain them. That if they don't like what you do, no matter how much of yourself and how much thought, care and time when into something, that they can flat out tell you that you suck. Well ouch.
Some days I can brush that off, and some days it stings.
People also form misconceptions from what they see. They think I have an eating disorder, they think I'm stuck up, etc. I'm constantly telling people I've been this size and weight since I was 14 years old. I don't think I could gain or lose weight if I tried, and that yes, I eat plenty. You'd be surprised. It's one thing to honestly ask "how do you stay slim" and another to point something out in the middle of eating something, or falsely accuse me of a serious disease. It's rude, and more than that, ignorant. And I'm probably one of the most humble performers you'll ever meet. That was ingrained in me in school in NYC. Just because I post a photo shoot online doesn't mean I think I'm all that. Again, I have never felt entitled, I have always felt nothing but very, very lucky. I don't like braggarts. I can accept a compliment but I always play things down and I don't tell people about the things I do unless they ask me. On YouTube, I present myself in a variety of ways. One day I'll be glam and the next I'm in a mustache. Hell, I've even uploaded videos when I've had a breakout! If you were under the impression that I thought I was too cool for school, you clearly haven't seen the god awful pictures I post of myself on my daily booth ;) http://dailybooth.com/DeenaMarie In real life, I'm very guarded. It takes awhile for me to let someone in.
*I know I'm supposed to give the standard reply of "Oh I don't let it get to me" but come on, I'm real and want everyone to remember that everyone is.
I am no saint, but I don't want to be the cause of someone's hurt feelings, when they've never wronged me. I don't get why anyone would.
But I think what weighed heaviest was how hard I am on myself. It's important for me to put all the cool things I did this year in writing, because I rarely live in the moment (and look, they're super cool things! Not everyone gets to do what they want to do, and I'm very lucky). I am always ahead, on fast forward. I am worrying about what comes next, what I can do that's bigger and better and I put to much pressure on myself. I realized my "internal dialogue" with myself is very, very negative. It's all about what isn't. What I didn't do. What wasn't right, what doesn't look good. Where does this come from, you ask? My parents didn't raise me like taskmasters. My sweetheart is the most supportive and laid back man you'll ever meet. It's all from me. Me wanting to be out there. To be known, to be the best, to be a professional. And I know I had to be. I couldn't be lazy, I couldn't settle. But speaking to yourself in all negative terms is no way to live.
At my core I know I'll always be an actress. It's in my bones. It's what I do. But I remember what it was like when I was just starting, and how fun it was, and the passion I had, and how bad I wanted it. I was certain I wanted it more than anyone else on the entire earth, and no way could all these professional actresses want it as bad as me, so why don't they move over and let me get the roles? "Be careful what you set your heart on for it will surely be yours", that's exactly what happened. :)
You do something until it's not fun any more, right? Then you make way for someone with that fire to have a turn. Now hold up, don't worry, like I said it's at my core and it's what I do. And if you follow me online, or on this blog alone, even then you know that I rarely get this personal. You should also know that it's my public diary. That women are fickle and change their minds every day, ha ha. An entry from two weeks ago might be the opposite of how I feel now. It's purely my thoughts one day to the next.
So don't freak out over what I'm about to say next...because if a once in a lifetime role or opportunity comes knocking I'm clearly not going to turn it down. But I am serious this time when I say that I'm going to say no more!
Saying no to a project is very hard for me. I hate to think that I'm missing out on something. I love to do. My love of performing comes from being little, seeing it, and wanting to be that. I later learned performing was my emotional outlet as well. I've never been the type of person who seeks attention in my day to day real life. I have my moments of being much more quiet than you may think based on my online persona. I don't do it to be showered with praise and compliments. But when someone tells me that I've inspired them, well it doesn't get any better than that.
But. I am thinking of taking the rest of the year off after Persian Quarter to let myself physically and mentally rest. To breathe. To try a few months of the most "normal" kind of life I've ever had. I need to start being nicer to myself and not being my own worst enemy, to pat myself on the back once in awhile. Clear out the goo and start refreshed. I want to be able to relax for a few months. To see what it feels like to hang out with family and friends and not have the stress of a million things I need to get done in the back of my head.
What else does this mean? Changes. Really, really big changes.
Career changes and lifestyle changes coming up for 2011.
Sound mysterious? Good. All will be revealed in due time!
Stay tuned...!
Tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
MODELING:
I shot my first centerfold for a magazine!
Sunday Slacker is a new pinup magazine based in Las Vegas who approached me to be their #3 issue centerfold.
They later asked to use a picture from a Fresh Peaces Swimwear suit for issue #5.
sundayslacker.com
I shot for Fresh Peaces Swimwear, located in California. The photos were displayed in their store & on their mailers.
I got to do some awesome runway this year and walk for designers I'd never walked for before.
Art Meets Fashion was huge and lovely and I got to wear two looks (one was a vintage swimsuit) by McKell Maddox
A month or two later was The Girly Show put on by The Hive Gallery where I got to walk in a Krista Nielson swimsuit and a vintage wedding dress by Betsy Barker.
You may think I'm okay wearing anything in front of anyone at anytime. This is almost completely true. However, I don't care who you are, wearing a swimsuit on a runway is big. It was a way bigger deal to me than a burlesque performance, a photo shoot in something barely there or even onstage nudity. I'm proud of myself, can check that one off the list and we'll see if that ever happens again. Ha ha.
I had a moment where I was ready to quit pinup. Pinup definitely found me. I did not seek it out. I found I had quite a knack for it and this year, more than ever I was asked to shoot pinup. I never want to be pigeon holed so for a little bit I was turning things down. Then I realized I can't escape it, it comes super easy and it's super fun. I want to do it all while I can, so I gladly gave back in!
Tami of RubySnap (formerly My Dough Girl) Cookie shop asked me to be her December pinup so my picture was in her store the month of December and "my cookie" The Noelle, was truly the best cookie I'd ever had in my life!
I did another Pinups for Pups event, a little fashion show fundraiser and this time my very own pup, Noodles got to walk the runway and get some adorable pics with me. Anytime I can involve him in anything is special to me. I even got to wear the fancy and beautiful little chihuahua necklace that my dad got me earlier this year.
I did some of my favorite photo shoots ever this year and met more photographers, make up artists and hair stylists that are not only talented as can be, but now new friends.
The beginning of the year I found myself in Vegas modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. Not only was the wardrobe, hair and makeup stunning, but I got to see old friends who live in Vegas that I hadn't seen in years.
Footage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p-DZFJ-4HA
IN Magazine. They are so fantastic there. I modeled for SLC's first Fashion Week issue in the spring, then got on the cover for Halloween as Wonder Woman! I've been on covers before, but never by myself. That was pretty special for me.
THEATRE & FILM:
Did you know...that I have done at least two plays a year for over ten years?
With the exception of my first year of training in NYC when we weren't allowed to audition while we were re-learning / learning a new technique.
2010 will be one of the most precious to me, if not the most, in terms of acting.
I was asked to do the first ever reading of "The Persian Quarter" at SLAC, as well as a reading for Plan B's Script in Hand series.
I made my Plan B debut and couldn't have asked for a better role. Sor Juana in the world premiere of "Amerigo" was a beautifully written role and I savored every minute.
I also did two things I'd yet to do. Plan B's Banned/Slammed. I was an actor in one of the 10 minute plays. Got there at 9am was performing by 7pm. Talk about adrenaline rush.
The other was going to a town I'd never heard of. Helper, UT to perform in a reading of a new play at a theatre there. After getting over the fact that I would have to live in a co-ed building and share a bathroom...performing the piece was actually very fun.
Hair. Oh my god. Hair. You know those experiences that are so special once it's over you kinda tuck it away, and can't really talk about it to those who weren't directly involved? That was Hair. I lived it, and my experience was this: I felt extremely lucky every minute to be playing my dream role, Sheila, in my favorite musical. I almost never got over that it was real. That I got to do it. My costume was exactly what I always envisioned. When Heidi came to my house for a fitting I couldn't believe it. I hadn't said anything...and there it was. All I ever wanted was to sing "Good Morning Starshine" on stage. I can't believe I got to. I got to work with my husband again. No matter what anyone things, that doesn't get me an automatic in. He doesn't have all the say as musical director. I still auditioned, and was actually thought of for another role in the beginning. It's quite amazing when my love and I get to be on stage together. It doesn't happen often, I never know when it could be the last time. Again, I felt extremely lucky (it was his dream show as well, to musically direct and play drums on) and there we were. Not only that but it's the theatre where we met. I was working on one of two equity guest artist contracts. They didn't have to use me. They did. I never took the opportunity or experience for granted. It could not have happened to a more appreciative actress. The cast was perfect. I got to work opposite my Freddy Lee who I adore, and it marked musical #3 for us. I've never in my life experienced that kind of an opening night, and a closing night. Again, I lived it. So did those who were a part of it. We may be the only ones to truly understand it. To say it was a profound experience is an understatement. We are forever bonded.
The above photo just might be my favorite photo of me of all time. Did you know that I don't usually like photos of myself smiling ? But this one is capturing a moment. So much joy on my face, I've never seen anything like it. Pretty amazing.
FOOTAGE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67zcFvDWXSY
*Phew*
I booked more gigs through the year with my agents than ever before. While being on set is exhausting I really do love it. I hope to do more of it!
I auditioned and was cast in "Persian Quarter" at Salt Lake Acting Co. over the summer and am now just four days away from starting rehearsals.
I celebrated my three year YouTube anniversary.
KUTV2 Morning Show. This was incredible. Because of YouTube, they found me and had me on as various characters. First as little Miss Honey bee interviewing Edward and Jacob look a likes at the New Moon premiere here, another character, Jan where they had me all over the place! I was doing the weather, the traffic, you name it and I did it that day! I was also a Sarah Palin impersonator. Then I was asked to fill in for Casey as a feature reporter for three days! One day was with roller derby girls, another with Keith Bryce, then at a RV toy shop. I absolutely love Ron, Mary, Debbie and Casey. What great people!
FOOTAGE:
Filling in, Keith Bryce interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jZqIvvGXY0
Sarah Palin in Utah: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08DDqGwJleg
Jan on the news: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTFtpJsArgc
Honey Bee w/Edward & Jacob:
1.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmHw-Ce7NUc
2.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUez6OYpDz0 and
3.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jgraC1YlWA
BURLESQUE:
There were three Voodoo Darlings Burlesque performances this year, the beginning of the years was the Rat Pack Revue at Fort Douglas. I took it easy on this one. I was literally just up from surgery and was determined to do it. Libertease for Jake Shannon (Sondra's husband, Sondra runs Pinpus for Pups and Jake is the one who hypnotized me...if you've seen that video) to raise money for his run for congress. This one was at studio 27 and was a fun little routine and a good excuse to wear my Victoria Secret flight attendant costume! Last but not least was our first Halloween show, at Fort Douglas. I did my Ludo's Love me Dead routine. This was the third time over the last few years and it's one of my favorites.
By the way...for those of you not in the burlesque scene that may not be sure what goes on or why I do it, here's your answer. I either do a funky dance routine, often with some humor or my routine is old school. Prancing around, slowly removing gloves, etc. A cutesy smile on my face the entire time. Think Michael Jackson's bad, or Madonna's Like a Virgin. I usually have a lot of accessories I remove throughout dropping the main pieces at the very end of the song. Panties, bra. Yes, there has been pasties once or twice. But almost always it's no more than a gal in a swimsuit. Why? I'm no prude, for starters. I've never been one to feel self conscious about the human body, nudity, etc. And what it boils down to is this. One day when I'm a wrinkly old granny I'm gonna love to have pictures to look back at and say, "Damn. Granny had it goin' on!" ;)
ZUMBA:
October 1 2010 was my first zumba class and I was addicted. I have never worked out. I have never enjoyed it. But it's true that you have to find your own personal workout and what's fun to you. I never feel like I have to do it or that it's work. I'm totally in love with it. In fact, I haven't been this in love with something in years and years.
FRIENDS:
Big changes this year. Rekindled with a long lost friend and realized how important that was and how I don't hold grudges like I always claimed. Taught me a lot about the power of forgiveness and put the really important people in my life in perspective. I felt it was better for me to distance myself from other friends that I felt like I kept supporting and really giving to but just wan't getting it back. I got together with some of my oldest friends in the world and it was magical. I spent more time with other friends and grew even closer with them. I made new friends. I feel very fulfilled in the friendship department. I wish no ill will on anyone, I'm not out to make an enemy. I'm out to surround myself with those who truly care about me and who give equal loyalty and love.
MY SWEETHEART:
This topic I don't seriously delve into too often on the web. If you know us, you know it's pretty magical for us.
We just celebrated our 6th christmas together. I don't know how I ever got on without him.
* * * * * * * * * *
I've said it before & I'll say it again. I don't believe in making new years resolutions. One of my favorite quotes that plays in my head regularly is from the movie Vanilla Sky, "every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around".
People put too much pressure on New Year resolutions, they set the impossible, expecting a life makeover and inevitably fail. We can make a change at any day, at any time, no matter how big or small. And it doesn't have to be everything at once.
So. What have I learned in this last year? This year full of things I thought I'd never do, always wanted to do, learned I could do? I learned that nothing is impossible, that's for sure. And that, "that which doesn't kill you, makes you...well...not dead" ;)
I also felt myself slip into a strange place I'd never been. A place of extreme doubt and sensitivity at times. I lost my adolescent "I don't care what you think" attitude and became a sensitive woman, I suppose. I didn't lose my confidence or my belief in myself, but I found my feelings hurt a lot and found it hard to cope with it. I'm still processing that. Perhaps I wrapped my entire identity up in the performing me the last few years, and needed a reminder that it's healthier for me to keep *me* separate from that. When I remember to do that, I feel balanced again.
I learned more than ever how literally I take everything, which just means I'm going to end up more hurt than someone who might not. If someone makes plans with me, says they'll do something, wants to meet, etc. whatever it is...I believe it. When things fall through, I don't understand.
I put myself out there. In all I do. No matter who says they don't care what anyone thinks, at the end of the day we are all only human and judgements and insults and opinions and assholes can weigh heavy. Especially considering how much I do.
The more you do, the more you risk, the more you're judged.
But I'll never apologize for my art.
My favorite word ever is BRAVE. Thanks, Robert Bella, a teacher in NYC who had a big impact on me, for teaching me the true meaning of that word. No matter what I do in my life, I will never let fear hold me back. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear in general. I will always be brave.
I'm tattooing that on my arm one of these days.
People truly forget (when you're in the public eye, or a performer) that you're a real person with feelings, families, a life etc. They think you're just there to entertain them. That if they don't like what you do, no matter how much of yourself and how much thought, care and time when into something, that they can flat out tell you that you suck. Well ouch.
Some days I can brush that off, and some days it stings.
People also form misconceptions from what they see. They think I have an eating disorder, they think I'm stuck up, etc. I'm constantly telling people I've been this size and weight since I was 14 years old. I don't think I could gain or lose weight if I tried, and that yes, I eat plenty. You'd be surprised. It's one thing to honestly ask "how do you stay slim" and another to point something out in the middle of eating something, or falsely accuse me of a serious disease. It's rude, and more than that, ignorant. And I'm probably one of the most humble performers you'll ever meet. That was ingrained in me in school in NYC. Just because I post a photo shoot online doesn't mean I think I'm all that. Again, I have never felt entitled, I have always felt nothing but very, very lucky. I don't like braggarts. I can accept a compliment but I always play things down and I don't tell people about the things I do unless they ask me. On YouTube, I present myself in a variety of ways. One day I'll be glam and the next I'm in a mustache. Hell, I've even uploaded videos when I've had a breakout! If you were under the impression that I thought I was too cool for school, you clearly haven't seen the god awful pictures I post of myself on my daily booth ;) http://dailybooth.com/DeenaMarie In real life, I'm very guarded. It takes awhile for me to let someone in.
*I know I'm supposed to give the standard reply of "Oh I don't let it get to me" but come on, I'm real and want everyone to remember that everyone is.
I am no saint, but I don't want to be the cause of someone's hurt feelings, when they've never wronged me. I don't get why anyone would.
But I think what weighed heaviest was how hard I am on myself. It's important for me to put all the cool things I did this year in writing, because I rarely live in the moment (and look, they're super cool things! Not everyone gets to do what they want to do, and I'm very lucky). I am always ahead, on fast forward. I am worrying about what comes next, what I can do that's bigger and better and I put to much pressure on myself. I realized my "internal dialogue" with myself is very, very negative. It's all about what isn't. What I didn't do. What wasn't right, what doesn't look good. Where does this come from, you ask? My parents didn't raise me like taskmasters. My sweetheart is the most supportive and laid back man you'll ever meet. It's all from me. Me wanting to be out there. To be known, to be the best, to be a professional. And I know I had to be. I couldn't be lazy, I couldn't settle. But speaking to yourself in all negative terms is no way to live.
At my core I know I'll always be an actress. It's in my bones. It's what I do. But I remember what it was like when I was just starting, and how fun it was, and the passion I had, and how bad I wanted it. I was certain I wanted it more than anyone else on the entire earth, and no way could all these professional actresses want it as bad as me, so why don't they move over and let me get the roles? "Be careful what you set your heart on for it will surely be yours", that's exactly what happened. :)
You do something until it's not fun any more, right? Then you make way for someone with that fire to have a turn. Now hold up, don't worry, like I said it's at my core and it's what I do. And if you follow me online, or on this blog alone, even then you know that I rarely get this personal. You should also know that it's my public diary. That women are fickle and change their minds every day, ha ha. An entry from two weeks ago might be the opposite of how I feel now. It's purely my thoughts one day to the next.
So don't freak out over what I'm about to say next...because if a once in a lifetime role or opportunity comes knocking I'm clearly not going to turn it down. But I am serious this time when I say that I'm going to say no more!
Saying no to a project is very hard for me. I hate to think that I'm missing out on something. I love to do. My love of performing comes from being little, seeing it, and wanting to be that. I later learned performing was my emotional outlet as well. I've never been the type of person who seeks attention in my day to day real life. I have my moments of being much more quiet than you may think based on my online persona. I don't do it to be showered with praise and compliments. But when someone tells me that I've inspired them, well it doesn't get any better than that.
But. I am thinking of taking the rest of the year off after Persian Quarter to let myself physically and mentally rest. To breathe. To try a few months of the most "normal" kind of life I've ever had. I need to start being nicer to myself and not being my own worst enemy, to pat myself on the back once in awhile. Clear out the goo and start refreshed. I want to be able to relax for a few months. To see what it feels like to hang out with family and friends and not have the stress of a million things I need to get done in the back of my head.
What else does this mean? Changes. Really, really big changes.
Career changes and lifestyle changes coming up for 2011.
Sound mysterious? Good. All will be revealed in due time!
Stay tuned...!
Tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Relaxing Vacation
I continue to enjoy my very relaxing vacation week. I did venture outside my apartment today. I picked up a few things at the grocery store and then finally got my library card for the local public library system. I have been meaning to do this for some time but haven't gotten around to.
Tomorrow I'm headed to Indianapolis to visit with a friend from Ball State. I am looking forward to reconnecting with him and getting back to Indianapolis which I always enjoy visiting. It looks like we might get some rain here tomorrow. We are also experiencing a warming trend. It may possibly get up to 50 degrees by Friday.
As I've been relaxing on this low-key vacation, I have been thinking about another vacation I had several years ago when I didn't want to spend a lot of money but wanted to get away. My parents graciously allowed me to borrow their RV for a week. My Dad drove it down to Potato Creek State Park in North Liberty, Indiana for me. I rented a whole bunch of movies and took some books with me. I slept late, read, watched movies, and just relaxed.
While Potato Creek has some great hiking trails and a nice lake, I didn't make use of any of them. I stayed in the RV almost for the whole week. It was really hot and I don't like hot weather. I ran the air conditioner the whole time. In fact, when my Dad came to haul the RV home, the windows of the RV were all fogged up from the cold air of the air conditioner.
While most people go to camp grounds and have campfires and visit with their fellow campers, I didn't do any of it. I tried to avoid nature as much as possible. I know this probably was not the vision the state of Indiana when they created Potato Creek State Park.
I remember this week as one of my most relaxing and wonderful vacations. A Walden Pond experience it was not. Instead, it was a time to break from work. It was a time to get away. It was a time to relax and rest and renew my spirit. Like the week of vacation that I'm currently experiencing, it was a wonderful time just to be.
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
Tomorrow I'm headed to Indianapolis to visit with a friend from Ball State. I am looking forward to reconnecting with him and getting back to Indianapolis which I always enjoy visiting. It looks like we might get some rain here tomorrow. We are also experiencing a warming trend. It may possibly get up to 50 degrees by Friday.
As I've been relaxing on this low-key vacation, I have been thinking about another vacation I had several years ago when I didn't want to spend a lot of money but wanted to get away. My parents graciously allowed me to borrow their RV for a week. My Dad drove it down to Potato Creek State Park in North Liberty, Indiana for me. I rented a whole bunch of movies and took some books with me. I slept late, read, watched movies, and just relaxed.
While Potato Creek has some great hiking trails and a nice lake, I didn't make use of any of them. I stayed in the RV almost for the whole week. It was really hot and I don't like hot weather. I ran the air conditioner the whole time. In fact, when my Dad came to haul the RV home, the windows of the RV were all fogged up from the cold air of the air conditioner.
While most people go to camp grounds and have campfires and visit with their fellow campers, I didn't do any of it. I tried to avoid nature as much as possible. I know this probably was not the vision the state of Indiana when they created Potato Creek State Park.
I remember this week as one of my most relaxing and wonderful vacations. A Walden Pond experience it was not. Instead, it was a time to break from work. It was a time to get away. It was a time to relax and rest and renew my spirit. Like the week of vacation that I'm currently experiencing, it was a wonderful time just to be.
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
Conversations that shouldn't happen but do.
Person: You're from Utah?
Me: Yes.
Person: Are you a mormon?
Me: No.
Person: Isn't everyone in Utah a mormon?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I hate the snow!
Person: Don't you ski/snowboard?
Me: No.
Person: I thought everyone in Utah skis/snowboards?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I wish I could live somewhere warm year round, I don't need all four seasons!
Person: Why don't you move? You should move!
Me: No.
* * *
...Aaaaaaand SCENE! ;)
tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
Me: Yes.
Person: Are you a mormon?
Me: No.
Person: Isn't everyone in Utah a mormon?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I hate the snow!
Person: Don't you ski/snowboard?
Me: No.
Person: I thought everyone in Utah skis/snowboards?!
Me: No.
* * *
Me: I wish I could live somewhere warm year round, I don't need all four seasons!
Person: Why don't you move? You should move!
Me: No.
* * *
...Aaaaaaand SCENE! ;)
tweet me: http://www.twitter.com/DeenaMarie
Joolwe its what a woman wants and giveaway ends 1-14
I got a Sterling Silver 1.34 ctw Cubic Zirconia Heart Pendant and Stud earring set. I was in loved when I seen it. The necklace is gorgeous. I love the heart shape and the design. Its not too big and flashy but not too little either. Its definitely a beautiful necklace. The earrings were also beautiful and perfect size. I love that they are sterling silver so I don't break out from it. I also love the look of the silver and cubics together. So elegant and flashy and lovely. This is definitely a quality set at a affordable price. My set was only $19.99 that is amazing.
So if you love Jewelry you have to check out Joolwe. You will be glad you did! They have Necklaces, Rings, earrings, bracelets and much more. Everything is cheap and all quality made. You will love everything they have. Also check out their Free Jewelry Reward Program where you sign up for free and earn points for writing review and contributing to the Joolwe community. Then you can use your points to get free jewelry. How awesome is that. So head on over and check them out!
We are giving one lucky reader the Sterling Silver 1.34 ctw Cubic Zirconia Heart Pendant and Stud Earring set yay!
To Enter:
1. Go to Joolwe and tell me your favorite item
Extra Entries:
1.Become a Joolwe Fan on Facebook
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3.sign up for my rss feeds
4.Blog about this giveaway this will count for 4 entries
5.add my button to your site 2 entries
6.Go to Joolwe and sign up for their newsletter
7.Subscribe to my email feeds
8.follow me on twitter (collyn23) and tweet this contest
9.Enter my other giveaways 1 entry for each entered
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13.comment on my non giveaway blogs 1 entry for each comment
14. Post this giveaway on any giveaway site, Online Sweepstakes, Mr Linky, or other networking website-leave the link where I can find it (5 entry for each site)
15. Vote for me on Picket Fences
Rubbermaid & Sharpie giveaway winner
Time to announce the lucky winner of the Rubbermaid & Sharpie giveaway yay!
And the winner is....
And the winner is....
Random Integer Generator
Here are your random numbers:
255 Timestamp: 2010-12-29 17:32:27 UTC
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Afternoon of Writing
I don't know exactly where the story is going. I have a rough idea. We learned in our writing class that rather than have all the details of the plot worked out in advance, it is often times better just to follow the lead of the characters as you go. This may sound weird but I have found that, for me, this is the best way for me to write. I don't have to worry about all of the details in the plot because they are unfolding as I'm writing. I also am just as excited as hopefully the reader will be to see where the characters are going.
I am grateful to God for the gift of writing in my life. I am grateful for this vacation at home to rest and write. I am grateful for the opportunity to express myself in this way.
Thanks for being a part of my journey!
Husky Tools get the job done!
When we got it I was amazed by how convenient and organized the tool was. I looked like a small food chopper lol. Inside the case was 32 screwdriver bit include Philips and Flathead but my favorites the stars and square ones. I never have those and alot of things now have screws with those these days. It also has 14 sockets, a extension bar and the ratcheting tri-grip driver. I loved the big handle which made unscrewing or screwing things in alot easier.This was one of the coolest tools I have seen out there. The best part is this tool is guaranteed to last forever. Plus it is cheap where tools are concerned only $9.88. That is a amazing deal. I use this for everything. My husband loves it too but I am always using it so he hasn't really got much time to use it ha ha.
Husky Tools have the best tools and the guaranteed and are definitely affordable so you have to check them out.They would make a awesome present for a family member or even your self! They have a awesome variety to choose from so check them out now!
Tasty Tuesday Recipe
Loaded Potato Potluck
Ingredients
8 medium potatoes (about 2 1/2 to 3 lb. total), peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks
- 1 cup evaporated milk
- 1/2 cup sour cream
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
- 2 cups (8-oz. pkg.) shredded cheddar cheese, divided
- 6 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled,divided
- Sliced green onions (optional)
Directions
PLACE potatoes in large saucepan. Cover with water; bring to a boil. Cook over medium-high heat for 15 to 20 minutes or until tender; drain.
PREHEAT oven to 350° F. Grease 2 1/2- to 3-quart casserole dish.
RETURN potatoes to saucepan; add evaporated milk, sour cream, salt and pepper. Beat with hand-held mixer until smooth. Stir in 1 1/2 cups cheese and half of bacon. Spoon mixture into prepared casserole dish.
BAKE for 20 to 25 minutes or until heated through. Top with remaining 1/2 cup cheese, remaining bacon and green onions. Bake for an additional 3 minutes or until cheese is melted.
PREHEAT oven to 350° F. Grease 2 1/2- to 3-quart casserole dish.
RETURN potatoes to saucepan; add evaporated milk, sour cream, salt and pepper. Beat with hand-held mixer until smooth. Stir in 1 1/2 cups cheese and half of bacon. Spoon mixture into prepared casserole dish.
BAKE for 20 to 25 minutes or until heated through. Top with remaining 1/2 cup cheese, remaining bacon and green onions. Bake for an additional 3 minutes or until cheese is melted.
Monday, December 27, 2010
2010 Blessings
- Work: I continue to be blessed by my work at TriState Habitat for Humanity. I work with an extremely gifted group of people who are all committed to the goal of eliminating poverty housing from the face of the earth. I wake up every day grateful that God has led me to this place at this time.
- Friends: I have some of the most wonderful friends. They laugh with me, listen to me, sometimes feed and house me, encourage me, and push me to be a better person and more faithful Christian.
- Family: My family continues to be a source of stability in my life. I'm so proud of my nephews and grateful for the blessings they bring to my life. I am thankful for the love that my parents and sisters show me.
- Church: I am just getting to really know my church and becoming familiar with its ministries. I am grateful for the hard work of the staff who give their very best to serve and honor God. I am grateful for the worship services that challenge me and give me the opportunity to praise my Creator. I am anxious to become more involved in the church's ministries in 2011.
- Faith: I continue to be grateful for God's presence and power in my life. My faith defines who I am and Whose I am. As I study the Bible, serve those in need, and connect to other Christians, I continue to discover new things about God and God's amazing love made real in Jesus Christ.
- Writing: I rediscovered how much I enjoy writing this past year. I have had the chance to express myself through the written word through this blog; however, I have been able to expand this creative spirit within me by taking a creative writing class. While sometimes it was really hard, I also found myself feeling more alive than I have in a very long time as I spent long periods writing and creating a short story for my class. I am looking forward to enrolling in the next two sessions of this creative writing class series. I know God is up to something good in all of this.
Thank you for being a part of my journey!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Last second holiday treat: Black Christmas (2006)
A gaggle of… ahem… cookie-cutter (sorry for the pun) sorority girls meet up with a holiday-hatin, lemonade –skinned psycho who comes complete with a backstory so depraved and unnecessary that it would make Rob Zombie green… or in this case yellow… with envy.
Thoughts
The 1974 film that… ummm… inspired? No, that’s not the right word. The 1974 film that was urinated on by this remake is a corner stone of the slasher genre. It paved the way for the Michaels, Freddys and the Jasons of the world. Sadly, it never got the mainstream attention or affection that it deserved. It certainly didn’t deserve to be treated like this: its good name dragged through the mud by an insanely gory and utterly twisted remake.
This first thing that jumps out at you is that the killer Billy is yellow. I don’t mean that in the old timey, “he’s a coward sense,” but rather in the literal “his skin looks like a banana peel" sense. In any case, the movie immediately becomes hard to take seriously. And then he kills someone with a candy cane. And from that point on the movie becomes impossible to take seriously.
Except that it really, REALLY wants you to. It tries very hard to put heavy themes like incest and rape in the same movie where a guy gets impaled on a Christmas tree. It’s almost like the studio put two screenwriters in two different rooms, gave them a title and then smushed the results together into one ugly mess of a movie.
And it is ugly. Fans of unrelenting gore might get more out of this than most, but I suspect that even they will have trouble getting past its gapping deficiencies. Every couple of minutes you can count on someone’s eye getting popped out and eaten or Christmas cookies being made out of something other than dough. Now, I’m not one of these people who think that gore has no place in movies and that all horror should be an exercise in Hitchcockian suspense, but come on! A person can only be expected to endure so much! I’m not sure how many ripped out eyeballs is too many for one movie, but I think “Black Christmas” met its quota before the end of the first act.
Now for some Quick Notes. The time listed marks when the incident occurs in the movie. I stopped tracking seconds once I got to the hour mark. I apologize for any confusion.
- 5 minutes, 29 seconds in-- “I’m your family now!” I’m not sure if that’s smooth or creepy Ugly Jake Gyllenhaal
- 7:25-- At least if the movie stinks, I can entertain myself by playing “Now where do I know her from?”
- 7:26-- “Harriet the Spy”
- 7:48—“Live Free or Die Hard”
- 8:02—“Mean Girls”
- 9:22—Why is the guard using a flashlight? The mental institution didn’t think to install actual lights in the cells? That seems like poor planning...
- 14:58—No lights in the cells AND guards who don’t notice a VERY distinct looking mass-murderer/ cannibal walking out the front door? Is this place even still operational or did the government shut it down without telling anyone?
- 23:36—Caller Id, *69… technology has ruined prank phone calls
- 28:46—Andrea Martin, original “Black Christmas”… wait what?! The scandal!
- 30:24—Oh good Ugly Jake Gyllenhaal is back…
- 38:01—“Did they ever find out from him why he killed his family?” You’re serious? The incest, murder, wrongful imprisonment and assorted other forms of mental and physical abuse weren’t reason enough? Get with the program Harriet the Spy.
- 50:35—I mean, I guess you can try the house phone, but usually they stop working when the power goes out. Maybe you should check the TV next. Just in case.
- 57:20—Really? Those two are actually leaving? Isn’t the captain, or in this case the den mother, supposed to go down with the ship not bolt at the first sign of trouble?
- 59—Somehow “death by icicle” is the most believable thing that has happened in this movie so far
- 1 hour 6 minutes—Lady, how much more proof do you need before you get the hint that your sister is dead? Does she need to start haunting your apartment or something?
- 1:07—Well that flashlight worked splendidly. If the goal was to provide no noticeable light whatsoever! Whose idea was it to put Ugly Jake Gyllenhaal in charge?
- 1:16—They could have been there for month or years, but probably less. You know since they both only escaped a couple of days ago, but its ok you were close.
- 1: something—What is it, the coroner’s first day? Who keeps pronouncing all these very much alive people dead?
- 1:23—The scariest part of this movie is that Bob Clark, the director of the original film, served as an executive producer on this desecration.
Checklist:
Acting
- Chemistry? You mean like that class I almost failed in high school? (3)
- Under Acting? (1)
Story
- -
Occasionalplot hole(s)(1)(3) - Someone actually thought this was a good idea? (2)
- I have no clue what I just watched (3)
Misc.
- Remake, Sequel or “Reimagining” (1)
- Accidentally REALLY offensive (3)
- -Other (1,2,3 points depending on severity of the offense(s))
- Idiotic decisions to remain in house, despite overwhelming evidence of danger (3)
- Confusing gore for storyline/ narrative (3)
- Splitting up when it makes total sense to stay together (3)
There it is. A respectable 25 points total out of a potential 60. Honestly I’m not sure how possible it is that we ever get a 60. That might be more theoretical than anything else. Maybe that’s just wishful thinking on my part. Either way, as we work further into this thing we’ll get a better gauge on just how bad “Black Christmas (2006)” and its 25 really are. And we can always adjust the scale if necessary.
Bumblebee tuna.
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